the future.

It's insane how fast I get attached to someone. I never really noticed it, because I really believed I knew how to distance myself from being one of those teenagers that doesn't get hurt all the time therefore being sad and depressed and looking at things in a negative way. And I did know, for a while I did know how to do that. But eventually the barrier was knocked down by the person I didn't know would ever do that.

I never understood why people went on and on about love and how it hurt people. I watched movies but never understood why they were hurt by the things that one person did. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I was smart enough to avoid that and for some insane reason I thought it would be fun to experience something new and feel that. Now that it's happened and is happening, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world from the rest of the world or maybe just end it all. 

I don't want to live anymore. I don't want this thing called life. Not because of him, but because I never realized how terrifying the future is and how everything I do and everything I say always seems to be the wrong thing. If it's not me pushing people away, it's them pushing me away. I don't know who my real friends are anymore. I don't want my family around anymore. I just don't want anyone anymore. I don't want to know what's in the future and what it has to offer, I couldn't care less. I'm not happy anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my sister but even she's starting to push me away. I talk to everyone about how my future's going to be like, about how I'm going to go to University and get a car, about the times we'll spend driving out in the bush and just chill, about having kids and getting married. I talk about it all, but I don't even know if I want to be alive to experience all that. Everyday is becoming a struggle and it just gets worse. I use to think about the future filled with determination and wanting this and that to happen. I think about the future now and all I see is nothing. I know I sound pathetic. But that's honestly how I feel. 

Sometimes, the only person you can depend on is yourself.

I don't know what's worse; wanting him and knowing there's no chance of us ever again, or having him and being hurt all the time but being at my happiest every single day. If I were with him I would have had to choose because it wouldn't have been fair for either of us. But he's not mine anymore and will no longer be mine. I'm okay with that, I really am. The more these things happen, the more I get use to it and accept it. 

I often find myself wondering how people get so sad. I mean, a year ago I was never like this. I never looked at things in a negative way. I was happy and actually full of life. I looked at things like there was no bad side of it. But I guess a lot can happen in a year. Now a days, I get sad for no reason. People ask me what's wrong and I tell them about some pathetic excuse about my ex and the break up, but in all honesty I don't know. I don't know why I get sad. I don't know why one moment I'd be happy and then the next I'm sad. It just happens and I don't know why, and I don't like not knowing why. 

There are people who say they need someone because they don't think they're good by them self, but they manage to be okay without anyone holding them up. There are people who say they don't need anyone because they're perfectly fine by themselves, but you can see in there eyes that they need someone to hold them up and they keep depending on one person or another to do just that. Then there's people like me; thinking and knowing I don't need anyone to make me happy until someone comes along and makes me realize what real happiness is and that the happiness you feel when you're single is nothing compared to the happiness the person you love gives you.

It's not easy. Once you depend your happiness on someone, you're giving them the chance to hurt you over and over again. How do you be happy again without depending it on someone you may lose? You don't. You depend your happiness on people and get hurt until you find someone who can make you happy and not put you in tears at the same time, or you grow old and bitter and just hate; whatever you choose, choose wisely, you only live once.