Look for the girl with the broken smile.

For some people there are just times in your life that you have to put your friends' pains and needs before yours. But for me, I have to put EVERYONE's pains and needs before mine. I agree I have been through alot but I'm not one to go around asking for sympathy. I can't remember a time that I ever went to anyone, in pain, because my childhood haunts me; night and day. I remember the times all of my friends came to me, in tears, because something/someone had hurt them or they just needed someone to be there. Sometimes people, who I never met, come to me too but I don't mind. I honestly don't. It makes me feel important and it makes me feel good knowing I've helped someone somehow.

But it's times like these that I wish I could put my pain before everyone elses. Times when the pain just becomes too much and you want someone to be there but the one person you want to be there; ignores the problem and decides to be an idiot and puts you in more pain. What hurts the most is knowing you were there for him when he needed you and knowing you'd drop everything in a heartbeat just to comfort him because you hate seeing him in pain but when it comes to you, he becomes an idiot and doesn't care whether your in pain or not. A lesson I learned from that? Don't ever try to put your pain before anyone elses because they'll treat you like your pain doesn't matter.

I don't know how I expected to be treated after telling my closest friends about my childhood. I guess I just wanted someone I could run to when I'm in pain. But yeah, guess sometimes things just backfire. Sometimes I'll lay in bed and pretend my childhood was a nightmare and that I'm still dreaming, waiting to wake up and start living my life. Not much people in my life understand how painful it is to have flashes of it come back now and again, they don't understand the pain. So what do I do? I suffer my own pain and suffer everyone elses pain because honestly, could I possibly go through anymore than I already have? I'd rather be the person people run to for help, than be the person who runs to someone for help.

Life isn't easy. Things just happen and instead of asking questions, you just have to embrace it. Fight for the ones that love you, not for the ones who you love but don't love you back, because in the end it's the people who love you who'll stand by your side. Pain isn't easy to deal with, so be like me. Don't deal with it and when someone elses suffering, suffer your own pain and say you're suffering their pain. It's not the best advice, but it's better than having to explain to them why you're in pain.

Yeah nothing to worry about

So I just need to get this one thing off my chest. I don't care that it doesn't make sense but I need it out.

Dear Boyfriend,
Please just please stop mentioning her name. Who's name? Hannah. Shut the fuck up already. I hate her, like really hate her. Why? Because for a while she had you. For a while you were hers. And no that wasn't okay with me. I had no right to hate her though as we were broken up. But still, it hurt me like hell when I found out.  So I'm sorry I hate her. But she had you for a while. And it makes me sick to my stomach to think you could ever hold anyone else, the way you hold me. It makes me sick to ever think that you could send her all those x's and love hearts to another girl. It makes me sick to think that I was just another girl on your trash list. It makes me sick to think that I could ever lose you again.

The more I fall for you again, the more I feel I should block the feeling out. Because, it may not seem like it now, I know I'm only going to end up being heart broken in the end. I hated that pain. I really did. And knowing I'm going to feel it again, makes me sick. You have no idea how much I love you and you have no idea how much it makes me sick to think that you could love another girl the way you love me. Everytime we fight I always become afraid of losing you. Everytime I hear that some girl likes you I break a little inside but smile and hide it and make a laugh out of it, hoping even I'd laugh at my own joke just to hide the pain.

You have no idea how much I really love you. You're my first love and nobody ever gets over their first love, they just learn to love other people. I know nothing lasts forever, but I just want to stop dreaming and start living in reality because, since you came back in my life, reality is finally better than my dreams.

Problem after probelm.

Is it normal to completely forget your boyfriend when someone you LIKED for months suddenly pops up, even though you don’t talk to that person and you haven’t heard from him in a while?

Let me explain:

There was once a guy, let’s call him Luke, who I liked for months on end. I pretty much started liking him when he first smiled at me. Yes I have a thing for smiles. It was such a breathtaking smile that I couldn’t help but fall in love with it. For months I liked him and at one point, I thought I loved him. It was different around Luke. I found that when I talked to him I had a tendency to smile a lot. I wanted him to notice me so I did everything necessary to do that; I talked to him, I made sure he saw me at recess and lunch, I even drew attention to myself now and again when he was around. I always wondered what it would be like if we were together. He was on my mind night and day. Every time he smiled at me, my heart felt like it was ready to jump out of my chest. I got jealous at every girl that talked to him. I wanted to get over him because I knew I had no chance. So I started dating again.

My decision to date again was the best decision I ever made. It didn’t start off well because the first guy I dated, to get over Luke, was an absolute dickhead. Yeah, I hate him now. But then came this guy. This amazing guy and he changed my life. Let’s call him Zach. Zach’s been the one who I’ve been blogging about most of the time. The guy that made me fall hard then broke my heart and made me fall again. I absolutely love this guy.

But the thing is, last night Luke replied to my inbox and for a few minutes I completely forgot about Zach. For a few minutes I pretty much had trouble breathing because I saw his name. I was confused as hell. All the feelings I had for Luke suddenly came rushing back and I didn’t know what that meant. I guess when it comes to Luke; I’ll always feel the same way. I just know that I would never have a chance because:

a)    He moved to another town

b)    He could have better girls.

And because I’m crazy in love with Zach. The first time I would have dropped everything for Luke but now… I would never give up Zach. He was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No matter how much we fight, no matter how much I get angry and frustrated with him; I would never give him up. 

There's another thing too. Zach. Yeah I'm so darn confused with him. I don't think he knows that this is the absolute last straw. I'm not going to go through what I went through last time. He spends so much time with other girls, he doesn't even pay attention to when I'm around half the time. So yeah I'm not gonna bother going to his group if he's not even going to pay attention to me. If he ever ditches me, that's it. I'm not even going to fight. It's just over. I'm not gonna go through what one of my "friends", goes through with her boyfriend. Today her boyfriend basically told her that if she ever talks about this one girl, that she hates, then it's over. FUCKING RETARD. If Zach ever said that to me... Yeah haha let's not go there.

Let me explain:

There's this girl. Let's call her Emily. Emily's mum died a month and so ago. Yes it's sad and depressing. Emily pretty much causes the fights in most relationships. Why and How? Heck would I know. But she pretty much has all these boys wrapped around her little finger, that she doesn't realise how much conflict she causes between them and their girlfriend.

Are sleepovers acceptable when you're no longer a child? I DON'T THINK SO. There's a reason nobody has sleepovers anymore. Anything can and will happen in the heat of the moment. This girl doesn't realise just how much she's tearing relationships apart. Yes she just lost her mum and she needs her friends around. But doesn't she have girl friends? Or does she need guys' attention that badly? I was nice before but considering what my ''friends'' boyfriend told her. Yeah that's niceness is no longer there. The sooner she learns that she can no longer do the stuff she use to be able to do, as a kid, the happier everyone will be.

Valentine's Day 2012.

Happy Valentine's Day fellow bloggers!

Valentine's Day. What is it exactly? Well from my understanding it's a day where you get to spoil your special someone and show them just how much you love them, or for others just a day when you show someone how much you truly appreciate them for being a good friend.

Ray and I have taken up the challenge to blog everything that happened today. Her blog is the perspective of single people on Valentine's Day and my blog is meant to be the perspective of people in a relationship on Valentine's Day. Here is a link to her blog: http://lifeandopinionsoftcmr.blogspot.com.au/

I woke up with the really weird but good feeling. I knew today was going to be different somehow. Just different from every other day and different from every other Valentine's Day. I reached for my phone and one of my best friend had sent me a text message. To my amazement it was a really cute photo, which made me smile like crazy, and I knew today was going to be the best Valentine's Day, not only that but 2012 was finally turning around.

What Ray texted me ^^^^^

I had never had a Valentine in my life and this year I finally had one. Well I had three actually, but the other two are only a joke. One of my Valentine was Catherine (Kitty Cat) and days earlier we planned to get each other something because we had never gotten anything on Valentine's Day every other year. I got her a card and chocolates. I was extremely excited to give them to her, espicially the card. The card was cute and glittery, and when I saw it I knew she'd love it. I got to school and met up with her, she loved them (I think?), but what she got me was even better! She got me a teddy-bear that says "I love you", chocolates, jellie babies and a card. I was extremely happy when she gave them to me, as I didn't know what she had gotten me. I felt so disappointed with what I gave her but I hope she still appreciated it. One of my close guy friends got me a toy dog; it's really long (like a sausage dog) and it has a coat that says "With Love". The morning was great but there was one person I was really eager to see.

That one person is my boyfriend. The cute, amazing and douche that I blog mostly about. Yes he broke my heart, but he fixed it again didn't he? So did he make up for the amount of pain he caused me? I don't know. We've only been together a week, not even, but I'm happy with him. The month that we weren't together was when I blocked all the pain away, I guess my love for him went with it because I'm having trouble feeling anything for him right now. I know I want to be with him though, I just don't know how to love him again without unblocking the pain. That probably explains why I'm having so much trouble saying 'I love you' to him in person. Also, I don't want the pain. I know how much it hurts and I don't ever want to feel it again. I want us to last longer this time, which is why I pretty much ignore all the little things and avoid fights. I've gotten better at calming down too; my temper only lasts a few minutes and I make sure I don't talk to anyone during those few minutes.

Today retard (Tristan) decided to walk me home again. It was a good surprise :) I completely loved him for coming to see me, espicially today. What made my day was my fairytale moment with him. You know how you just have those moments in movies, that you know could never happen in real life? I call them ''Fairytale Moments''. Today as he gave me a hug, like he usually does before we seperate, he lifted me up and spun me around. It was one of those moments that I wish I could stop and just embrace it before it was over. What would've made it better was if it was with the boyfriend instead. But you take what you can get right?

So what's it like being in a relationship on Valentine's Day? It's great! You can look at that one person and think "Yeah he's mine and today it's about us". When you're with someone on Valentine's Day, you can look at other couples and not feel that empty feeling because you don't have someone. It's a day, even single people can feel the love in the air. You get hugs, kisses and presents. So what I didn't get a flower or presents from him? He was there. He gave me hugs. He gave me kisses. He didn't let go until he really had to. Writing this blog made me realise something, I wish I had earlier today; I really do love him.

I know there will be a time when he breaks my heart again but I don't want to worry about that until the time comes. I'll be in pain but at least I'll know what we had was real. People will tell me 'I told you so' but I'll tell them 'At least love gave me a fairytale, where's yours?'. The thing with love is you shouldn't just be able to feel loved, even more, on Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is just a day that goes back with many traditions but otherwise it's like every other day of the week. So if you really love someone, shouldn't everyday be like Valentine's Day?

You have someone out there that you love on this special day? Tell them and show them just how much you love them. Just because today is a special day, doesn't mean you can't say those three words every other day. Tell them that you love them EVERYDAY, because everyday should be like Valentine's Day.

The Real Me.

My whole life I've always told people to embrace their imperfections. I've told them to smile and not care what anybody thinks. I've told them to love themselves because, if they can't, who will? I've told them to ignore the haters and be confident, to show them that you don't care, so at some point they'll give up. So why, when it comes to me, can't I take my own advice? I wish I could, but I honestly can't.

I'll walk around and pretend I was never insecure about myself. But truth is, I'm the most insecure person out. I worry about what people think of me. I can't love myself because let's be honest, why would I? I absolutely hate myself. I'll spend an hour every day choosing the clothes to wear, then an extra half-an-hour on hair and make-up. Some days it takes me two hours. And to think I hate people who do this stuff.

When I'm around people; I look at what they wear and how they look, and get a really sick feeling in my stomach but I smile anyway and pretend that nothing's wrong. It's been years since anyone's ever judged me for my looks and today, I didn't know how to handle it. So I cried. I cried because what was said about me, had to be said to the one person I didn't want hearing anything about me.

I hate it when people say stuff about me to him. If they say it to me it's a whole other story, I can take it. But to him? I don't want him hearing shit like that because, well let's face it, I'm afraid to lose him again. I can't tell him how I'm afraid he'll be put off by what they say about me and break up with me because of it. I can't tell him how much I actually hate myself half the time. I can't tell him all these things because I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to tell him the stuff I tell my closest friends, because well I'm afraid he'll see the real me.

How different is the real me, to the ''me'' that posts these blogs and the "me" that I show people, you ask? The real me is weak. Really weak and insecure. The real me that nobody actually nows. The real me cries herself to sleep because either something bad happened that day or she just feels she's not good enough. The real me thinks about what it would be like if she slowly faded from everyone's life, until eventually nobody notices her anymore and it's a good time to just end everything. The real me feels the pain instead of blocking it. The real me wakes up wondering "why on earth am I still alive?" The real me that will whine all day because she hates the way she looks. The real me that gets affected by what people say, even if it was just a joke. The real me that really doesn't deserve to be loved. The real me that was already broken before anyone had a chance to break her. The real me is the complete opposite to the person that everyone thinks they know.

The person I show people is the person I hope will, eventually, be the real me. But for now... I hope there is a person in the world that I can show the real me. That'll be the person that I'll look to everyday for a smile of encouragement. A smile that will get me through the day.

I remember the first time.

Inboxing him tonight made me remember the first time. The first time we started dating when I would check my phone a million times just to see if he had replied and when he didn’t I felt a bit disappointed but knew he would reply anyway. I remember when I would sit on my bed, listen to music and reread our inboxes over and over again. I remember when I would lie in bed every night and replay the entire day with him, I would replay what he said and how he said it, I would replay every kiss, every hug, and every touch. Even after our fights I would constantly remind myself of how lucky I was to have him and how much it would hurt to ever lose him. After our fights I would tell myself I was an idiot and wanted to make it up to him in any way possible. I remember dedicating a whole page to him in my journal and smiling like an idiot when I finished. I remember when I was angry, upset or on the verge of tears I could always talk to him because even hearing his voice for five minutes reassured me. I remember that amazing feeling, I would get, every time he hugged, kissed and touched me.  I remember wanting him, to be mine forever.

I guess things are different now huh?  I don’t ever expect him to talk to me every night. I don’t wait for him inbox or Skype call me, with the exception of tonight and I won’t bother waiting again. He has is life to live and I have mine. I'm not gonna wait forever. I just hope that he knows what he wants before it's completely gone because once it's gone; it'll never be his again. I still get that same reassurance when I talk to him and I'm mad, upset or on the verge of tears. I still feel like his apart of me somehow. I want to let him in and be  a bigger part of my life than just my ex, but I don't know how. I don't know how to let him in and not expect so much of him. I don't know how to let him in without falling as hard as I did last time. Some days I just have that urgency to hug him but I can't because I'm afraid of how he'll react.

When I made that “You know I love you… right?” picture, he was the first person on my mind and when he reblogged it on tumblr, fuck he put the biggest smile on my face.

Honestly, right now, I don't know what to do. So I'm just gonna go with the flow and let everything work itself out.

Find me a guy

Find me a guy who will treat me like a queen.
Find me a guy who will never cheat on me.
Find me a guy who hugs me when I'm mad and doesn't let go until I'm calm.
Find me a guy who will kiss me on the forehead.
Find me a guy who will show me off to the world.
Find me a guy who will call me beautiful instead of hot.
Find me a guy who will hold my hand instead of my ass.
Fine me a guy who will hug me from behind.
Find me a guy who will change his whole days plan to spend 10 minutes for me.
Find me a guy who will write me cute notes in class.
Find me a guy who will buy me a cat so I'm not lonely when he breaks up with me - courtesy of Ray (http://lifeandopinionsoftcmr.blogspot.com.au/).
Find me a guy who takes my advice when it comes to fashion.
Find me a guy who will get me a corsage when we go to special events.
Find me a guy who will fight for me.
Find me a guy who has really big brown eyes.
Find me a guy who doesn't have the guts to lie to my face.

Find me a guy who can do all this and I assure you, I will be the happiest girl in the world <3

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I miss you. I miss your smiles, your hugs and your kisses. There's not a day that goes by that you don't pop into my head. I wish you knew how broken I really am because of you. Sometimes I would wish the break up was all a big joke and that we were still together.

You have no idea how much I want you back but as you kept saying before ''it wouldn't have worked out anyway''. You've pretty much proven to me that you've moved on, so I should too but,you know what, I can't. I know you won't come back but there's a part of me hoping that you will. The same part of me that you took with you when you walked out. The part of me that you still have.

I know I keep saying ''I wish you knew how I felt'' but it's a good thing you don't and even if you did, I don't think you would really care. I'd rather you, and everyone else around me, think I'm over you and that it doesn't hurt anymore than have them think I'm a stupiid, naive teenager. When people mention us and the break up I actually feel like punching them in the face because they have no right to mention it, and because... it hurts.

I keep wondeirng why you even bother talking to me anymore. You shouldn't be talking to me anymore but you do and you know what? I'm not gonna stop you because I like talking to you. Everytime I talk to you it's like the first time all over again, when I get butterflies in my tummy and my mind goes blank. I waited for you to inbox me today, you didn't and I felt a bit disappointed but I got over it. But then again, why would you? Everytime you come online on skype, my heart races and I feel like I should talk to you. Instead I wait for you to talk to me first, if you even talk to me.

There's so much more I want to tell you and so much questions I want to ask like... Do you ever think about me anymore? Would you ever give us a second chance? Do you regret going out with me? I want to tell you I miss you. I want to tell you that I still love you. When people ask me if I would ever go back out with you I say ''No, never''. I say it because I need to convince myself that it's just not worth it anymore, even though it actually is. I tell them because it's what I need to hear. I can't just unblock the pain that I worked sooo fucking hard on to block. I can't just forget how painful it was to lose you.

But you wanna know something though? I'd take you back in a heartbeat, even after everything that happened. I told myself that I'd take risks, I wouldn't usually take, this year. I'll take risks because I don't want to miss out on anything, espicially if I ever have another chance with you.

My last wish for the day? You. 

When I say ''I hate you'', what I really mean is ''I love you''.

When you think life's finally getting better and then something shit happens.

You've been absolutely clueless about how I've been feeling now a days and I know you don't care. Did you know that I break a little inside everytime I see you? Did you know I have that urge to hug you but I know I can't so I walk away? Did you know that for every fake smile, are the amount of times I wish I could break down?

When people ask me if I'm over you I just tell them yeah I am, but the truth is I'm not. Everytime our eyes meet my heart drops, I start to feel that pain again, so I turn away. I can't focus in most classes because I think about what it would've been like if we were still together and I wonder if you ever feel the same way. When we talked for the first time today I wanted to hug you but I know it would be completely out of line, so I held myself back. At the end of recess we talked a bit more and you started to come near me, I couldn't take it, so I walked away.

I miss you and I miss us, but if you ever asked for a second chance I wouldn't give it to you. I was in more pain being in that relationship than I was being single. I'm not saying I'll be single my whole life but I'm not ready for a relationship yet and even when I am, I'm going to be more cautious with the guys I go out with.
I don't feel the pain as much anymore but even the slightest reminder of us and I break inside, but who wants to see a girl in tears? No-one. So what do I do? I smile. I smile like nothing happened.

This year was suppose to be fun, exciting and a year to remember. It hasn't even been two months into the year yet and already everything's so shit. I lost one of my closest guy friends today and I don't know how. He was the person I told everything to and finding out that I'd lost him; broke me a little more inside, not that I wasn't broken enough. I'll cry a few tears and I know friendships come and go, but I'm not good at letting go of most people. I'd never lost a friend like the way I did him and the worst part is; he promised he would never walk out of my life. I knew better than to believe in promises, and considering I've already had heaps of the promises made to me be broken. I couldn't help but hope that he would change that. I hoped he would prove to me that not all guys are the same. Again every bit of hope I had left was completely crushed. Two of my best friend's are currently in an arguement and I know they'll make up eventually but did it have to happen tonight? Of course it did. It's life.

I don't know who to call when I'm in pain. I don't know what guy friend would be there as much as he was. He made me smile, laugh and cry. I told him my biggest secret and trusted him with my life. I guess friends will hurt you more than enemies. He was my shoulder to cry on and he was someone in my life I thought I'd always fight for. I guess that's just life. When everything starts to be good again, something bad happens and the only thing you can do is deal with it. I don't know if you'll ever read this but, Tristan, you have no idea how heartbroken I am to lose you. You have no idea how much it hurts to know that you could brush me off like that. You have no idea that tonight while you sleep with a grin on your face, I'm going to be crying myself to sleep because you've proven to me that it's just not worth it anymore. No matter how many times I say life's worth it, no matter how many times I look on the positive side of things, I know that there will always be some shit waiting around the corner waiting to happen.

Life's a bitch and don't we all know it.