The Real Me.

My whole life I've always told people to embrace their imperfections. I've told them to smile and not care what anybody thinks. I've told them to love themselves because, if they can't, who will? I've told them to ignore the haters and be confident, to show them that you don't care, so at some point they'll give up. So why, when it comes to me, can't I take my own advice? I wish I could, but I honestly can't.

I'll walk around and pretend I was never insecure about myself. But truth is, I'm the most insecure person out. I worry about what people think of me. I can't love myself because let's be honest, why would I? I absolutely hate myself. I'll spend an hour every day choosing the clothes to wear, then an extra half-an-hour on hair and make-up. Some days it takes me two hours. And to think I hate people who do this stuff.

When I'm around people; I look at what they wear and how they look, and get a really sick feeling in my stomach but I smile anyway and pretend that nothing's wrong. It's been years since anyone's ever judged me for my looks and today, I didn't know how to handle it. So I cried. I cried because what was said about me, had to be said to the one person I didn't want hearing anything about me.

I hate it when people say stuff about me to him. If they say it to me it's a whole other story, I can take it. But to him? I don't want him hearing shit like that because, well let's face it, I'm afraid to lose him again. I can't tell him how I'm afraid he'll be put off by what they say about me and break up with me because of it. I can't tell him how much I actually hate myself half the time. I can't tell him all these things because I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to tell him the stuff I tell my closest friends, because well I'm afraid he'll see the real me.

How different is the real me, to the ''me'' that posts these blogs and the "me" that I show people, you ask? The real me is weak. Really weak and insecure. The real me that nobody actually nows. The real me cries herself to sleep because either something bad happened that day or she just feels she's not good enough. The real me thinks about what it would be like if she slowly faded from everyone's life, until eventually nobody notices her anymore and it's a good time to just end everything. The real me feels the pain instead of blocking it. The real me wakes up wondering "why on earth am I still alive?" The real me that will whine all day because she hates the way she looks. The real me that gets affected by what people say, even if it was just a joke. The real me that really doesn't deserve to be loved. The real me that was already broken before anyone had a chance to break her. The real me is the complete opposite to the person that everyone thinks they know.

The person I show people is the person I hope will, eventually, be the real me. But for now... I hope there is a person in the world that I can show the real me. That'll be the person that I'll look to everyday for a smile of encouragement. A smile that will get me through the day.