I'm okayyy. c:

The worst part about falling out of love, is wondering if you'll ever open up that far again.

I haven't exactly 'fallen' out of love yet. I know I still love him because I miss him and it hurts like hell to think about him being with another girl. He made me extremely happy, even knowing that he was mine just made me feel good. Now that he's not, being happy seems so far from my reach. I don't feel it as often as I use to, and when I do feel it, it's only for a few minutes at the most. I know how to block out the pain but sometimes in order to stop feeling it, I need to release a bit of it until I completely stop feeling it. But you know what they say about pain, it never stops, you just get use to it.

I'm not afraid to fall in love again, nor am I afraid to get hurt again. I'm afraid to get attached too much and then be thrown away like nothing again. I'm afraid that I won't really love someone that much again.  I'm afraid I won't be able to love like that again. What hurts the most about a broken heart, is not knowing how you felt before that.

When someone asks me if I'm okay, I say "Yeah, I'm okay". Because the truth is, I am. I know how to hold back the tears. I know how to not overthink so much. There are moments I feel like absolute shit, but I know how to hold myself back from doing something I know I'll regret. There are moments I feel like breaking down because I miss him or because something reminded me of a memory we shared. But I'm okay.

I've changed. I'm not the girl I was eight months ago. Maybe people don't see it. But I know I have. Eight months ago, I was happy. I depended on myself and I was able to stand on my own two feet. Eight months ago, I didn't think so much and when I did think, it never hurt. I guess we all change at on point. Pain does that to people, I guess.

Confusion come at me.

The thing about this, is it expresses every possible word I've been trying to put in a sentence in the past few days. All right here in what this girl answered. 

It's just a shame he really can't see that I just want to be friends with him. When he gave up on me, I stayed friends with him because it was what he wanted. Now that it was my choice, it's like I was dropped and became nothing. I know you can never be friends with someone who meant the world to you, but if they're that special, wouldn't you try? Or would you just throw everything away? 

Once again, confusion has struck me. I want to be friends with him, but just not right now. Right now, it's way too hard. I can  barely look at him without that fucked up feeling coming back. Thank the lord for work experience and the holidays, maybe I'll be okay. I know the pain gets easier though, I've been through it before. The more I go through it, the more experienced I become on how to handle the pain. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with my body and why it's fucking up on me. But there will always be the times when I can't help but think about him. Like when I wake up in the morning and think of him or before I sleep and think of him. 

I don't know what will be worse, when he first talks to me again, or knowing it took him so long to even start talking to me again. 

Sometimes, decisions that feel right at the time may be the wrong ones.

It's hard you know. Going from talking to someone 24/7 to hardly getting a 'hey'. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I push all my feelings away because I know if I let myself feel it, it'll destroy me. 


I don't know what it's going to be like tomorrow. I don't know if you're going to school or not. But it's going to be extremely hard not trying to look for you, not expecting a hug and a kiss, not expecting for you to come say hi to me first. I know exactly how I'm going to feel when I see you. I'm going to see everything I gave up, the memories, and everything I wanted. But I'm also going to see the guy who went out with so many girls and the guy who's only going to go out with many more after me. I'm going to see the guy who can't handle being single because he always needs to be in a relationship. I'm going to see the guy who broke all his promises and lied to me for the majority of the time. I'm going to see exactly what I don't want to see.  


I woke up yesterday, wishing it was all a dream. Wishing it never happened. But the full realization hit me and it hit me hard. I curled up in bed for hours and broke down at one point. I just wanted the pain to go away. I'm not prepared for this. But then again I wasn't prepared every other time, was I?

I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to scream and cry before I go to bed and get it all out of my system. When I go to school tomorrow, I'm going to smile. Smile like I was never in pain. I'm going to forget everything and try to enjoy my day. I'm going to live each day at a time, until you no longer affect me, until you no longer cause me any pain. I know it was my choice and I'm facing the consequences. I just need to get over it. Get over you. I'll find a way to say goodbye. I always do. 

asdfghjkl.

Screwing up all the best things in my life, seems to be my worst habit.
I was always the one to say "Don't let the past ruin your future" or "Everything you say and do will determine what your future will shape out like".
But I never listen to myself. Those who come to me, listen to my advice, but I can't even take my own advice. I forget every freaking advice, I've ever given someone, and when it comes to my actions, I act before I think. And the consequences are always the worst.

I woke up today thinking I just had the worst dream. But it wasn't a dream, he's really not mine anymore. And the pain was enough for me to break down and not get out of bed for nearly five hours. I'm not sure if it was the best decision because all I feel is pain. But in the long run, I know I'll be okay. I just miss him. I miss us. I miss having someone to talk to 24/7. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he does move on. But I want him to be happy. He deserves it, I just wish I was the one that could make him happy. 


I've always been the one to push people away. I just didn't know I was capable of pushing away the one person that made me feel true happiness. It was painful being in that relationship, but I can't help but remember all the good times. The times when he made me feel like I was something that mattered. Out of all of this, that's what I'm going to miss the most. The memories we made and how happy he made me.


I don't know why I let him go. I guess part of it was that I was afraid. If it didn't end soon, it would've ended later and the pain would've been worse. I was afraid of how capable he was of changing my emotions. I wasn't in control of myself anymore, he was, and it scared the hell out of me. If he really did hurt me, what if the pain was enough for me to hurt myself or do something worse? I hate not being in control of my own life. I know someday, it's going to have to change. Just not today. Not while I'm still a teenager with my whole entire life ahead of me. 

The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to keep the tears from falling.

And it's those times when no one's talking to you, when you're listening to Taylor Swift, when you're waiting for someone to make you feel something other than the numbness that's eating you up inside, that's when the pain of loneliness bursts inside you. You wake up everyday hoping the pain will go away, but it doesn't, it just gets pushed aside until your alone again and you start to feel it.

You can be surrounded by so many people, but feel more alone than ever. Your body's there, but you're not there. Your somewhere else. Those people that say "I'll always be here if you need", they're never there. You push people away when really you just want to reach out and ask them for help.

It gets harder everyday and you start wishing the things you never thought would even come in your mind. You start wishing you were actually dead. You start to want the pain to go away. You start realising the monster inside you was finally showing itself. It gets harder to sleep through the night, it gets harder to fake a smile when all you wanna do is cry.

After pushing people away, you start to reach out, and when you do, no gives a flying fuck about how you are. They all think you're okay, they think you're happy. They have no idea how much you just want to grab a fucking knife and stab yourself. They have no idea the amount of times you cry yourself to sleep. 
So I'm back to stage one. Back to where it all started.
IDK, if he'll see this. But seriously Cheyenne, fuck you. I opened up to you and tried to reach out. But all you could fucking think about is yourself and how horribly I treat you. You make me fucking regret being in this relationship. I tell you about how I'm having a hard time and all you can say is "Aw, really baby?". Yes you make me happy, but part of being my boyfriend is to be there. Out of everyone, you feel the most distant. Trust me when I say, I won't mention anything anymore because all you love to hear is about how much I fucking love you and how you're amazing and that shit. The first person I open up to and all you can think about is yourself you fucking selfish bastard. <<< Everything I said there is purely out of the anger I have for you at the moment. Feel free to break up with me if I treat you anymore horribly than I already do sweetheart. It's sad isn't it? That I'm writing this on a fucking blog instead of telling someone about this. HA.