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Screwing up all the best things in my life, seems to be my worst habit.
I was always the one to say "Don't let the past ruin your future" or "Everything you say and do will determine what your future will shape out like".
But I never listen to myself. Those who come to me, listen to my advice, but I can't even take my own advice. I forget every freaking advice, I've ever given someone, and when it comes to my actions, I act before I think. And the consequences are always the worst.

I woke up today thinking I just had the worst dream. But it wasn't a dream, he's really not mine anymore. And the pain was enough for me to break down and not get out of bed for nearly five hours. I'm not sure if it was the best decision because all I feel is pain. But in the long run, I know I'll be okay. I just miss him. I miss us. I miss having someone to talk to 24/7. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he does move on. But I want him to be happy. He deserves it, I just wish I was the one that could make him happy. 


I've always been the one to push people away. I just didn't know I was capable of pushing away the one person that made me feel true happiness. It was painful being in that relationship, but I can't help but remember all the good times. The times when he made me feel like I was something that mattered. Out of all of this, that's what I'm going to miss the most. The memories we made and how happy he made me.


I don't know why I let him go. I guess part of it was that I was afraid. If it didn't end soon, it would've ended later and the pain would've been worse. I was afraid of how capable he was of changing my emotions. I wasn't in control of myself anymore, he was, and it scared the hell out of me. If he really did hurt me, what if the pain was enough for me to hurt myself or do something worse? I hate not being in control of my own life. I know someday, it's going to have to change. Just not today. Not while I'm still a teenager with my whole entire life ahead of me.