Life is worth it.

Do you ever just give up hope? Do you ever feel like your life’s just not worth living anymore? Do you ever wish that life could be perfect and things go the way you want it to go?

For me; yes sometimes I give up hope, yes sometimes I feel like my life just isn’t worth living anymore and, despite my answers, no I don’t ever wish life could be perfect and things go the way I want it to go.

As I’ve said before: Perfect is overrated. Life isn’t meant to be perfect and everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad. Life’s full of heart breaks, losses, mistakes, friendships and, most importantly, memories. Life will have its tough times but it will also have its good times. When everything’s falling apart, don’t always think that you have nothing to live for because you have a million reasons to live for. When you lose all hope think about the future, what could be and what it has to offer. Don’t think about tomorrow or a week from now, think further ahead when you could be living a completely different life to what you are living now.

Life is full of memories and those memories are worth it. I feel sorry for teenagers who go through so much in high school and then end their life because it was too much for them to handle. I feel sorry for them because they miss out on what we get to experience. They had so few memories and we’ll have so much more. If there was something worth living for; it’s the memories because memories aren't something that appears out of thin air, memories are created through bad times and good times.

Don’t plan your entire life out because, honey, nothing goes according to plan and that’s what life is about. Life is about going with the flow and letting everything happen because everything happens for a reason. Even when everything crashes around you, I can’t control how you feel or think but always believe in yourself and believe that you can get through it.

Bad things often happen to good people. Why? I don’t know why but I came to the conclusion that maybe it happened to make people stronger. I admire the people who have been through so much, yet can still smile and laugh and have a good time. Pain isn’t something we all like but we all know that everyone will hurt us at some point in our lives; it’s just a matter of finding the people worth suffering for. I’ve given up on fighting for people to be in my life. There are some that I know, when the time comes, I will fight for. But what I’ve learned is people will come and go, and I get to decide who will stay and who will go. Over the past few years I thought I needed so much friends that I fought for everyone to be in my life, it turns out I just need a few and I’m letting go of the ones that aren’t worth the fight. 

Life’s a bitch and we all go through hard times in our lives. Don’t try to control your life because it’ll plan itself out, maybe not the way you want it to be but you’ll be happy with the way it turned out anyway. Don’t let heartbreaks stop you from loving again because nobody wants to turn out old, alone and having no-one at their side when they’re dying. When you’re going through a hard time remember that in the end it happened for a reason and in the end you’ll come out a stronger person. From the moment we could breathe our life was planned out for us, all we have to do is live it. 

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” -Marilyn Monroe.

Dedication to all women.

Today I found a status on Facebook that was most likely copied off google, but it was meaningful and it's very true. It's exactly what every girls' lives are like and guys just don't give us enough credit for who we are. 

"Girls are much more than what they seem. They're more than just the makeup, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, the sunglasses, the outside. They're more than just whiny bitches. We're so much more... Too bad some boys can't understand. A girls life is a bitch itself. On a daily basis we deal with bitches, backstabbers, lies, boyfriends, crushes, exes, appearance, insecurity, bullying and so much more. Everyday we have to apply make up. While doing all this, theres so much to consider especially gossipers and guys. If something's too short, they'll call us a whore. Something's too long they'll call us ugly. We go though buckets full of ice cream because we've had way too many broken hearts. We cry because bitches wanna hate and boyfriends wanna bitch. We can't complain because we don't wanna be annoying. We trust people, then they end up stabbing us in the back. We learn stuff the hard way. Every guy out there making a period joke, like are you for real? No. Just because you're being a little bitch pissing me off doesn't mean I'm on my period. Get over it, its life. We get hurt multiple times and keep running back to the same people. We love hard, hurt hard, and care too much. We're never understood, we go through so much trouble when you don't even notice, we listen to songs until five in the morning and fall asleep to it just because it reminds us of you. We try so hard to impress you while dealing with all that's said about us. After everything we sit our asses down on tumblr and reblog everything that reminds us of you. We spill our guts out to our best friends who've probably had enough of you. We go on facebook, check our profile a million times, and go through all your pictures, even if we've seen them all before, we hear what people say about us and sometimes we break inside, but no matter what, we have to come out strong, we have to put a big smile on our faces and pretend like everythings okay. We have to act nice towards the haters even knowing everything they said about us, we love even know we shouldn't and we wait for something that will never happen. But no matter what, we manage to act like everythings fine even though everythings falling apart. That's a day in a girls life, imagine having to deal with that everyday. We're so much more than what you think, and so much more than what we seem."

To the guys out there; I hope you realise that what was said in that was all true. That's a day in our lives. I don't know how you can stand by and judge us when we already go through so much. There are things that aren't mentioned in this too, like what we go through with our own family. I get that not all guys are the same but next time you even think about making a sexist joke or judge a girl remember that as much of a bitch she is, she already goes through so much. Give the girls some credit, not all girls are nasty cold hearted bitches.

To all the girls out there; remember that high school is just a stage. Millions of other girls go through it and those who survived the most become the strongest. Don't ever think, even if everything's falling apart, that you have nothing to live for because you have a million reasons to live for. Don't let those heart breakers and judgemental people ever come in the way of what you really want. Don't let them think for one second that they hurt you because as soon as they think that, they'll use it to their advantage. Stay strong and let them know that you're unbreakable and unstoppable. We're what the world needs. There are women all through out history that made the history books and there are women who are fighting to make a change in the world. Those women also went through teenage years. They experienced our day-to-day lives too. I reckon, without women, the world would be full of chaos and war.

Don't ever underestimate the power of women.

Imperfection is beauty.

There's so many girls out there that go on and on about their imperfections. They go on about how they hate all these parts of there body and how they're ugly. It's time for you girls to listen up and listen good. These imperfections, that you hate so much, are what makes you unique. They make you your own person. Everyone was born an original, don't die as a copy.

I have my imperfections and yes, until recently, I haven't been embracing them like I should've been at the start. When we were kids we never cared about what we looked like and what we wore. Then high school came and we became more aware of our body figure, our weight, our fashion, our hair and make up. Sure now and again it's okay to point out your imperfections, but on a daily basis... You're just making yourself look like an attention seeker.

These imperfections are what defines us as an individual and what makes us beautiful in our own way. Most girls can't even take a compliment and I think it's rather rude. If I compliment someone it's a one time thing, if they respond with something like 'Shut up, I'm not' my response to that would be 'Fine whatever'. I won't sit there and reassure them over and over again. If they can't take a compliment then that's there problem. I, myself, hate compliments but I say thanks anyway because it's not like most people go around complimenting people all day. So a heads up, next time you get complimented don't be a bitch and thank them, whether they were being sarcastic or not. Just remember that when you're being let down by people, it's because they don't feel good about themselves so they make others feel bad about themselves in order to make them feel good. Not all girls and guys will be all 'oh hey don't you look stunning today'.

Everyone's beautiful in there own way and they have a right to feel good about themselves. If you're the one letting others down, then you're the one with the problem not them. I'm not afraid to admit I do judge people, even though I shouldn't. I don't judge them by what they wear. I judge them based on how they treat others and what they did in the past but that's just me. I never hold looks against people because honestly I can't talk when it comes to looks. One of my goals for this year is to be nicer and not judge anyone based on what they did in the past, because I'm always saying the past is the past and you can't move on with the future if you can't let go of the past.

Beauty isn't a look on the face, it's a light in the heart. Beauty doesn't revolve around what you look like, it's based on your personality. If someone's good looking but a complete bitch, they have no right to be called beautiful. Looks isn't everything, personality counts too. Would you rather marry someone kind, smart but isn't very good looking, or someone attractive but a complete asshole? If someone calls you ugly, tell them what beauty is and to look in the mirror. No-one should be put down based on there looks. So if you're one of those girls going around calling people ugly and putting them down; honey look in the mirror, just because your attractive does not mean your beautiful.

Perfect is overrated.

He was the missing part of my heart...

There were things in my years of childhood that I didn't understand. Things I wanted to find out but could never bring myself to find the truth. I wanted to know why I didn't have two parents like everyone else. Where my biological father is, why he left my mum to raise three kids, if he even knows about my existence, if even cares about my existence and, most of all, if he loves me. As I got older the questions kept piling up, more and more everyday. When I was 13 I stopped asking questions and convinced myself that I didn't need him in my life.

Out of all the questions I asked, only one got answered. He knows about me. It was a start. I found out a while back but by that time I didn't really care. My mum's asked me if I wanted to meet him, she's asked me alot actually, and everytime I change my mind. I say no one time, then yes the next. I don't know if I want to meet him though. He's just never really been there and I've manage to grow up fine without him. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to meet him, if I ever was ready to meet him.

I'm angry at him. I always have been. I'm angry at him for not trying to get in contact with me. I'm angry at him for not fighting to have me. Don't get me wrong I love my mum and my step dads, but it would've been good to know he was some what apart of my life. Step dad #1 was there all through my childhood. He became my father figure in life but then him and mum got a divorce, and he just became less and less important. Step dad #2 hasn't been there for long and doesn't really give me any advice, I can't talk to him the way I talk to my closest friends or my sister. I may have grown up with them but it would have been good to know that he was in my life, even if he played a small part.

Thinking about all this kind of makes me angry at mum too, because it was like she just jumped from one husband to the next, not knowing how much it would affect us. Parents are stupid in that way, sometimes they do things without even thinking about their kids. It makes me wonder if I ever want to be a mother. I hear stories about other people's lives and how much their parents screwed up their life too. I'm not the only one. I know that now, but being a parent would have so much responsibilities and I'm a afraid I'll screw up my kids' lives one way or another.

I get that insecure feeling whenever I walked around with one of my stepdads because I know I don't look like them and I know I'm not related to them whatsoever. I wasn't proud walking around with them. I didn't like being called their daughter because I wasn't and never will be. Everytime I watch movies, about daughters finding there father and they slowly build up there relationship, I always get that twist in my heart because I know it's not going to be like that if I ever meet him.

Growing up my heart wasn't a whole heart, there was always something missing , that I didn't know was never there. He was the missing part. I don't know when I'll get that missing part back and when I do, I know I'll feel like a whole person. I'm angry at him but in a way I love him. I wish one day I could tell him. I wish one day he could tell me that. Whenever people ask me what my dad does, I don't reply. If I do, I say ''I never met him'' and I leave it at that. I didn't miss out on much growing up but I would've liked for him to be there, so I never felt insecure. Maybe one day I will meet him and I can finally tell him the words I could say but never really meant. Words that I watched and listened when other kids said it to their dads.

"I love you daddy"

Pictures and Smiles

'A picture is worth a thousand words'
That quote refers to how a thousand unsaid words can be expressed on a single image. It's when you look at a picture and instantly you can pick up information on the person, object or landscape. True artists pick up the small details that everyone else misses. Behind every picture is a story untold. You can look at a picture and remember the time it was taken, how you were happy and having fun. But then you remember something else, something bad that happened that day. You can look at a picture at someone smiling, but did you ever wonder if inside that person was breaking? They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but what if the words were false? You can look at a picture and pick up the details, but did you know, that half the details you pick up could be lies? Pictures are often used as proof that something happened, but what if it was a set up? I'm not saying this to make you have a completely different view on pictures, but next time you get shown a picture... Wonder. Wonder and ask. There's no harm in asking something that you don't know about.

I love photos. They capture moments that can sometimes be forgotten. Moments that can't be repeated, sometimes moments that you hope don't get repeated. Last year, I got a tad lousy on photos and missed alot of good events. This year I'm going to take as much photos as possible because I wanna remember this year for some reason. It just seems like a year to remember, but then again every year is a year to remember right?

'A smile is worth a thousand tears'
I have a thousand reasons to smile, but I also have a thousand reasons to cry. There's alot about my childhood that not even my closest friends know about, and I don't ever tell anyone about. It's not something I like to talk about. It's not something I'm ready to talk about. I guess I'm just afraid of their reaction, afraid that they won't see me the same way. I don't want to be felt sorry for. I don't want exceptions to be made for me. I want everything life has to offer. I want to be treated just like everyone else.

Things happen in life that we don't expect to happen and it leaves a scar, emotionally or physically. That scar shouldn't be ignored, it should be embraced. It's a symbol that you survived one of the toughest times in your life and when you look back on it, you know you can get through anything. There are times when I wonder, why it had to happen to me, of all people. But I guess I wouldn't be the person I am today, if it didn't happen. So in a sick twisted way, I'm kind of glad it happened.

That break up changed alot of things about me, that I never knew until recently. I can't say 'I love you' to another person, I can type it and use it as an example but I can't say it to anyone anymore, not even my sister. I can't smile without it being fake. My laughs are more forced. I have to listen to music or talk to someone most of the time, because if I'm by myself without anything to do for too long I start to think and the pain comes back. I have a need to help someone, to make myself feel better. It's funny how small things, like break ups, change you bit by bit.

I'll smile everyday because I won't let a guy ruin the perfect smile that was there before he came along. A smile is worth a thousand tears, tears that should never be wasted on a guy who doesn't deserve it. Smile because you have a thousand reasons to.





You need to let go of the past in order to move on with the future.

When you're finally moving on...

Don't you hate being called ungreatful things and even though everyone reassures you that you're not those things, it still bothers you? My ex and I got in a fight because he was supposedly sticking up for his 'best' friend. He didn't have any good comebacks so he decided it would be good to say ''hope your happy with being the selfish person you are have a f*cking good rest of your life". What he said actually hurt me, alot. I've never been called selfish and I didn't expect him of all people to call me that. I've asked people constantly if I was selfish and they say I'm not, but there's a part of me that thinks they're lying because maybe just maybe it is true.

Yeah I can be selfish. I'm selfish when it comes to food, drinks, and buying stuff. I don't like sharing my food or my drink. I like to buy stuff for myself when I should be buying other people stuff for Christmas or their birthday. I get my sister to buy me stuff, even though I know she could be using the money to pay her bills. I don't think I'm really selfish in any other way though? If I am, I think my friends would know and tell me. But do those small things really count that much?

My friends keep saying that he was just angry and he didn't have any good comebacks, but they don't understand that its bothered me since then. I haven't gotten it out of my head and I hate it. Now it's like I have to prove to myself that I'm not. But what am I really proving, that I let an angry ex-boyfriend of mine get to my head? Today, I have to let it go. I have to ignore it and stop thinking he'll suddenly inbox me and tell me I'm not. I don't need him to take it back, because I now I know I'm not. I know a selfish person when I see one. I don't mean to sound stuck up but I'm really not a selfish person. Anyone who thinks I am, don't know the person I am.

Now that I got that out of the way, there's another thing I wanted to blog about. Lately I seem to feel like everyone's psychiatrist. I've been helping people with their problems and I like it, it makes me feel better. I don't want to be a psychiatrist but right now, I feel like I have to bury myself in other people's problems and help them sort it out, and I feel like I'm helping myself in the process. Helping myself to do what exactly? I don't know.

I'm going to bury that necklace that he gave me. Why?
a) If I give it back, he's going to throw it in the bin anyway
b) I don't want to see it around anyone elses' neck
c) I feel like if I bury it, I'll bury the part of me that still cares and bury the part of me that he still has
d) I can finally be over him for good.



He was once the person that made me happy, he was then the person that put me in pain, he is now the person that's forgotten.

Would I rather girl friends or guy friends?

Would I rather girl friends or guy friends? My answer: guy friends because there's less drama you have to deal with. That's my short answer, now here's my long answer...

I prefer guy friends. Why? Because there's less drama and when you fight, you can sort it out without hurtful things being said. Guys can help when it comes to relationships, because you're getting the other gender's perspective on things and it helps with what you want to do with your situation.

Hanging around guys helps you boost your self-confidence because your guy friends won't judge you on what you wear when you hang out, and you won't feel like you do when you meet up with your girl friends. For example, when I meet up with my girl friends and I see what they wear, because I'm not the most fashionable person and wear things that I feel comfortable in, I instantly feel down and for the entire day I'll feel like that. It's different when I meet up with guys because well, they dress up differently and in a way I kind of blend. Hanging around guys boosts my self confidence, therefore having the guts to talk and be normal around the guy I like.

Having really good guy best friends is like having a brother you never had. The best thing is they're not related and won't go blabbing to your parents about your secrets, and whenever a guy hurts you, they get uptight about it and want to help you in some way. It's cute.

The worst thing about having guy friends? When you fall for them. Nobody has any control of their emotions. What you feel is what you feel. It's how you act on the emotion, that you can control. When you fall for them, you don't really know what to do because you're afraid of there reaction, like you might not get the reaction you want. It'll be your decision and you have to be prepared for what will happen. The future's unpredictable, I know, so don't expect him to like you back but don't expect your friendship to be completely ruined. Ignoring the feeling can go either way too, but remember that everything happens for a reason so don't be disappointed. What will hurt, is when you watch him love other girls and when you watch him go through break ups. That shouldn't stop you from being an amazing friend to him though, because you have to remember that you're his girl best friend and he'll always come to you no matter what the situation is.

What do you do when it's the other way around and your guy best friend likes you? Honestly, I don't know. If he asks you out, then what do you do? You have to think and I mean really think about everything. By saying no, it could be awkward for a while and you won't talk but everything has a way of working itself out and after a while everything will be back to normal. I'm not saying that will happen, I'm saying that's one of the many possibilities that could happen. Just make sure you think about what you want to do and make sure you're happy with the decision that you make.

I have my guy friends that I love hanging around and talking to but they don't beat my absolute guy best friend who i tell EVERYTHING to. Tristan and I have had our ups and downs in our friendship. We haven't been friends for a long time but we're close. He may not give the best advice at times, but he's there to listen. If I just need someone to listen, he'll be there and he was there when the break up happened. He was there for a shoulder to cry on, he was there to offer hugs when I needed them. I'm thankful for Tristan, he's a sped and makes me smile all the time.

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad"

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

So today I started to think about him again. But I wasn't thinking about what I miss about him, I was thinking about how he was coping with the funeral coming up. He lost someone special in his life, someone who was most likely like a second mother to him. The funeral's on Thursday and it's only Monday. I want to know if he's okay, I want to know how his coping, I want to know how it's going to be for him on the day, but it's not easy inboxing him and asking him. Why? Because after the fight I don't really think he cares what I think anymore, I don't think he would reply and say he was okay. I still care about him, a whole heck of a lot, and I know at one point I'll have to care a little bit less because when he does have another girlfriend, I know it's going to kill me inside. He probably hates me right now but honestly I don't care. He can hate me all he wants but I'm never going to stop caring for him. He won't need me but when and if he ever does come to me for help or for someone to listen, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not going to shrug him off and tell him to go find someone else. Like the good friend I am, I'm going to sit and listen, even offer advice if he wants it.

People seem to be dying lately, and it's the good people too. I know everyone has to die at some point in there life and when they do, it's another person that the living have to mourn over. It makes you wonder why the good people are being taken out of our world. The ones that were strong and happy, and achieved alot in their lives. The ones that were loved the most and had a lot to live for.

The last two weeks just hasn't been the best. We had two beautiful souls taken from us and my heart goes out to all the families.

Belinda died on the 1st of January 2012, she left her two daughters Emma and Renee, as well as alot of close friends and family members. Emma, I don't know if you're ever going to read this or not and I know you've been told so many times but stay strong beautiful. From what I hear you're mum absolutely loved you and she still does, she's you're guardian angel now. Keep making her proud of you and don't forget that she'll always be in your heart. The pain will ease but it'll take time. I know you'll get through this, I believe in you.

R.I.P Belinda Gay <3



Kylie died on the 6th of January 2012. She was suffering from cancer and after a long fight, she just didn't have any strength to fight anymore. She was good friends with my sister and a strong fighter. Kylie was there at my sister's wedding and at the time you would never have noticed and that she was suffering. The last time I saw her, she looked so weak and in so much pain I felt so sorry for her. She's a great loss but at least now, she's not in pain anymore.



Note: Kylie's the one on the left.
R.I.P Kylie Fissioli

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy"

The meaning of true friendship.

What's the true meaning of friendship? It's not easy to explain in a few words because friendship has a lot of meanings. True friends are people who accept you for who you are, who don't judge you and tell you off for every little thing you do, who don't talk about you behind your back, who doesn't backstab you, who is honest and doesn't lie to you, who knows your fake smile when everyone else believes it... I can probably list a lot of things a true friend is and what they should be doing, but I won't because in all honesty a true friend is just someone who stays by your side and never leaves.

My friends have always been there for me. From break-up to make-up. I have two best friends who have been there since primary school. Rachael and Paige have been through the journey with me when my sister's life changed. It wasn't a big change, but it really depends on how big of a change you think marriage is.

It's not any different now, except for the fact that she's a wife and suddenly the idea of a family is becoming more real to her. My sister and I always talked about her having kids, and how I would babysit all the time but it seemed years away. When she got pregnant the reality of it all actually hit me and I prepared myself. Then she lost the baby and I let myself relax but keeping that part of me in store for when it happens again.

Anyway back to the original idea of the blog; Rachael and Paige were there since I first announced my sister was engaged. They were there from the engagement party and right up to the big day. They were there for me when I needed them, when I needed a shoulder to cry on and when I needed to do my constant complaining. Rachael and Paige aren't what people call true friends because they're the meaning of true friends.

True friends have a way of making you smile, even on your worst days, whether the smiles real or fake they still manage to put it on your face. There are flaws too, like when you fight and you say things you didn't mean but you were too angry and it was just something that slipped out. In the end true friends get through those fights but that doesn't mean it didn't scar the friendship, it just means they don't want to do anything more to lose their best friend.

Speaking of losing a best friend. I lost one recently. Her name is Lili and I met her in year 8, when we bonded over our love of sims. It was when Lili became part of our little group and we became a foursome. For a while things were great between us and then we started to fight now and again, then when I was in a relationship I stopped hanging around the group altogether. I managed to hang on to Rachael and Paige and I wanted to hang on to Lili, but I felt that she didn't really wanna be friends anymore. When we finally talked she made it final that I already lost her. At that moment I wanted to apologise and wanted whatever forgiveness I she could give me, because my friendship with my closest friends are more important than my relationships, even if it didn't seem like it sometimes. She kept saying about how she understood why I would rather Rachael and Paige over her, just because I knew them longer. I don't think she understands that in my mind friendship is about who stays and never leaves. It's not about who I've known the longest and I don't pick favourites. I never grew up with a best friend, so I take what I can get. I lost her though, because I let my relationsip control my life. Hopefully we find a way to restore that friendship and hopefully I don't do anything else to ruin it again, because next time, it'll most likely be over forever.

Two other girls I haven't mentioned yet, are both really good friends. They've supported me and gave up there time to hear my complaining and my constant bitching. I don't know if they know but I really do appreciate it. Catherine and Emma, thank you two for being really good friends and hearing my constant complaints, even though I know you both would rather live your own lives and deal with your own problems instead of hearing mine.

I only have one thing to say: Thank You :)

Break ups aren't pretty.

I just went through a break up recently. It wasn't pretty either. That guy, that I broke up with, I still love him. I don't know why I broke up with him. People ask me, why I broke up with him and I answer with some stupid answer that I didn't even know had any part of it, truth is, I don't know. I don't know why I gave him up. I don't know why I said what I said.

The first two days were the hardest. I guess after everything we went through, it just seemed a waste; putting up with the bullshit that people gave me, fighting to win him over, lying to my sister about stuff. Everything I did just seemed a waste and I felt pretty pathetic. I was at that stage where I just wanted the pain to go away, so I wanted to forget everything about him, about everything that happened, but the universe wouldn't let me. Everywhere I turned there was a reminder of him and when I talked to him, everything just came flooding back. All I did was cry, because it was just that painful. I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. I use to wake up everyday wanting to cry but now I know, it's useless and pathetic. We tried to talk things out but he couldn't take me back. The morning after that talk I got up and told myself ''crying is worthless, you're only going to bring the pain back'', and that was the day I began to hold myself up, I just continued on with my life. I had my time of crying and complaining. Now it's time to move on.

I don't feel the pain the way I did when we first broke up. A little bit of it comes back now and again. 

I hate being asked if I'm okay, time after time. Sure at first I was fine with being asked if I was okay. But now, now if someone asks me if I'm okay, I always feel like saying 'F*CK OFF' because being asked if I'm okay, brings back that little bit of pain that I worked so hard on blocking away. The other thing is, I lie to them. I tell them I am. When honestly, I'm not. No I'm not okay. I can't smile or laugh without them being forced. I'll pretend to be happy and have a good time, but at the end of the day the pain will catch up to me and I'll lie in bed thinking about everything. I'd think about what it would've been like if he was there, how much happier I'd be if I came home and he sat there and listened while I told him about my full on, crazy day.

I don't know if he cares or loves me anymore, but I know I do. I still care. It's hard not having anyone to tell about my crazy days, to tell about the funny shit my sister or best friends do. It's just hard not being able to have someone like that anymore. I got so use to going to sleep knowing he'll be there when I wake up, and waking up knowing he'll be there by my side all day, even if he's not there physically. I miss him. After the break up, at least he was still my friend and he'd still talk to me. I know I've completely lost him now.

I just hope that I'll find someone, who will make me as happy as he did.