He was the missing part of my heart...

There were things in my years of childhood that I didn't understand. Things I wanted to find out but could never bring myself to find the truth. I wanted to know why I didn't have two parents like everyone else. Where my biological father is, why he left my mum to raise three kids, if he even knows about my existence, if even cares about my existence and, most of all, if he loves me. As I got older the questions kept piling up, more and more everyday. When I was 13 I stopped asking questions and convinced myself that I didn't need him in my life.

Out of all the questions I asked, only one got answered. He knows about me. It was a start. I found out a while back but by that time I didn't really care. My mum's asked me if I wanted to meet him, she's asked me alot actually, and everytime I change my mind. I say no one time, then yes the next. I don't know if I want to meet him though. He's just never really been there and I've manage to grow up fine without him. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to meet him, if I ever was ready to meet him.

I'm angry at him. I always have been. I'm angry at him for not trying to get in contact with me. I'm angry at him for not fighting to have me. Don't get me wrong I love my mum and my step dads, but it would've been good to know he was some what apart of my life. Step dad #1 was there all through my childhood. He became my father figure in life but then him and mum got a divorce, and he just became less and less important. Step dad #2 hasn't been there for long and doesn't really give me any advice, I can't talk to him the way I talk to my closest friends or my sister. I may have grown up with them but it would have been good to know that he was in my life, even if he played a small part.

Thinking about all this kind of makes me angry at mum too, because it was like she just jumped from one husband to the next, not knowing how much it would affect us. Parents are stupid in that way, sometimes they do things without even thinking about their kids. It makes me wonder if I ever want to be a mother. I hear stories about other people's lives and how much their parents screwed up their life too. I'm not the only one. I know that now, but being a parent would have so much responsibilities and I'm a afraid I'll screw up my kids' lives one way or another.

I get that insecure feeling whenever I walked around with one of my stepdads because I know I don't look like them and I know I'm not related to them whatsoever. I wasn't proud walking around with them. I didn't like being called their daughter because I wasn't and never will be. Everytime I watch movies, about daughters finding there father and they slowly build up there relationship, I always get that twist in my heart because I know it's not going to be like that if I ever meet him.

Growing up my heart wasn't a whole heart, there was always something missing , that I didn't know was never there. He was the missing part. I don't know when I'll get that missing part back and when I do, I know I'll feel like a whole person. I'm angry at him but in a way I love him. I wish one day I could tell him. I wish one day he could tell me that. Whenever people ask me what my dad does, I don't reply. If I do, I say ''I never met him'' and I leave it at that. I didn't miss out on much growing up but I would've liked for him to be there, so I never felt insecure. Maybe one day I will meet him and I can finally tell him the words I could say but never really meant. Words that I watched and listened when other kids said it to their dads.

"I love you daddy"