Finding the words to say goodbye

By the end of Childcare, the class was split into three groups. One was the popular group, one surrounded the teacher asking her questions, and one surrounded my best friend as they all said goodbye to her. I stood at the center of the class looking at the clock. The clock had been broken for sometime now, it never moved and just simply stayed at the same time day after day. I looked at my best friend as she talked happily to everyone, she caught my gaze and smiled at me. I smiled back and turned back to the clock. I made a wish; that it would stay like that for a while and that she wouldn't have to leave. I knew it was never going to come true, but I hoped. I zoned out in my train of thoughts.

"Alright girls, let's head downstairs," The teacher said as she ushered us out. As I walked out the door, I looked at the clock one last time and knew this was going to be a day I would never forget. The day I would see her, my best friend, my sister for the last time. Yeah, we made plans to write and call every day. But nothing ever sticks anymore and I knew, in my heart, that we'll slowly drift apart and she'll forget about me. I found it unfair. Not only was I losing one of the best people in the world, but I was so terrified that I would never get that close to anyone ever again. I walked down the stairs and through the gym doors, secretly hoping that I could avoid a goodbye, but deep down I knew I would feel terrible not saying goodbye.

"Shalen!" She yelled and I turned to look at her. 'Here it comes' I thought. But it didn't so I just followed her to her locker. We shared a joke for a bit and from the corner of my eyes I saw him coming towards me. So I turned to Danyka and hugged her the best I could. I felt my eyes water as I pulled away.

I swallowed a lump in my throat, and before I knew it I was pulled into another hug. I looked up and saw his eyes. Those warm and caring eyes that I've looked in so many times. We had, had a fight earlier that day and he was angry. When I looked into his eyes, I knew the anger he had felt before was gone and all I saw was pain. I will never understand that boy. But it was something in his eyes that made me wanna break down. 

It's like my life was having another big turning point and I didn't know it yet. I know she's not gone forever, maybe we'll meet again someday. We met for a reason. Maybe one day, I'll understand what, but for now I just have to accept it. Accept that everything's always going to change and nothing stays permanent. Life doesn't stop because someone leaves, it goes on. 

This girl; Danyka.

Three years ago, I met this girl; Danyka. She was nothing but another girl in school I had to talk to. For a year and a bit, we walked around school, not really appreciating each other's existence, but we both knew where we stood. We weren't friends but we weren't the best buds either. We were kind of just people who went to school together and had the occasional chat. 

Then suddenly, for no reason at all, we began to talk even more and discovered that we had more in common than we first thought. There was something about her, I don't know what, but somehow she started bringing out a side of me that I never knew I had. She made me just as crazy as her and, in some ways, even crazier. As months passed we became closer and she became the best friend I never had. Every waking moment I spent with her was crazy and always filled with laughter. She told me all about her life and everything that's happened and, honestly, my heart shattered. I never understood how a girl like her, could have gone through so much and still manage to smile and laugh every day. 

At the beginning of this year, our friendship bloomed and we became the best of friends. From day one of school in February until today, every moment we spent together was spent in fits of laughter or pulling stupid faces at each other. We've had random conversations about the most unnecessary stuff, joked around a lot (about 3/4 of the time we were together), shared secrets no one knew about, but most importantly, she is the only person in the world who really understood me. She listened to my hours of complaining, minutes of crying, and put up with my bitchy mood swings. I could talk to her about anything but we chose to joke around more than being serious because being serious was too overrated for us.

This girl, this completely retarded and absolutely crazy girl, was suddenly part of my world. She is one of the few people who can make me forget about my problems by just having a casual phone conversation with her. She made every moment worth living and turned bad situations into something good. I didn't know how someone like her came into my life, but she did and I was grateful.

An hour ago, she told me the worst news I never wanted to hear. She was moving and she's not coming back. Not for holidays, not for visits, she's just not coming back. I knew due to her family problems, and home situation, she didn't want to live here anymore. But I didn't think I'd have a little less than a week to say goodbye to her. Honestly, how do you say goodbye to someone who pretty much changed your whole life within less than a year. How do you say goodbye to a best friend that you depend on so much to be there for you when it comes to the worst. I had just found someone who understood me and could take away all the pain and problems for a while, and she was already leaving. 

I guess they're right about cherishing the moment before it becomes a memory. You never really know how important someone is to you until you're forced to say goodbye to them. 

the future.

It's insane how fast I get attached to someone. I never really noticed it, because I really believed I knew how to distance myself from being one of those teenagers that doesn't get hurt all the time therefore being sad and depressed and looking at things in a negative way. And I did know, for a while I did know how to do that. But eventually the barrier was knocked down by the person I didn't know would ever do that.

I never understood why people went on and on about love and how it hurt people. I watched movies but never understood why they were hurt by the things that one person did. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I was smart enough to avoid that and for some insane reason I thought it would be fun to experience something new and feel that. Now that it's happened and is happening, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world from the rest of the world or maybe just end it all. 

I don't want to live anymore. I don't want this thing called life. Not because of him, but because I never realized how terrifying the future is and how everything I do and everything I say always seems to be the wrong thing. If it's not me pushing people away, it's them pushing me away. I don't know who my real friends are anymore. I don't want my family around anymore. I just don't want anyone anymore. I don't want to know what's in the future and what it has to offer, I couldn't care less. I'm not happy anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my sister but even she's starting to push me away. I talk to everyone about how my future's going to be like, about how I'm going to go to University and get a car, about the times we'll spend driving out in the bush and just chill, about having kids and getting married. I talk about it all, but I don't even know if I want to be alive to experience all that. Everyday is becoming a struggle and it just gets worse. I use to think about the future filled with determination and wanting this and that to happen. I think about the future now and all I see is nothing. I know I sound pathetic. But that's honestly how I feel. 

Sometimes, the only person you can depend on is yourself.

I don't know what's worse; wanting him and knowing there's no chance of us ever again, or having him and being hurt all the time but being at my happiest every single day. If I were with him I would have had to choose because it wouldn't have been fair for either of us. But he's not mine anymore and will no longer be mine. I'm okay with that, I really am. The more these things happen, the more I get use to it and accept it. 

I often find myself wondering how people get so sad. I mean, a year ago I was never like this. I never looked at things in a negative way. I was happy and actually full of life. I looked at things like there was no bad side of it. But I guess a lot can happen in a year. Now a days, I get sad for no reason. People ask me what's wrong and I tell them about some pathetic excuse about my ex and the break up, but in all honesty I don't know. I don't know why I get sad. I don't know why one moment I'd be happy and then the next I'm sad. It just happens and I don't know why, and I don't like not knowing why. 

There are people who say they need someone because they don't think they're good by them self, but they manage to be okay without anyone holding them up. There are people who say they don't need anyone because they're perfectly fine by themselves, but you can see in there eyes that they need someone to hold them up and they keep depending on one person or another to do just that. Then there's people like me; thinking and knowing I don't need anyone to make me happy until someone comes along and makes me realize what real happiness is and that the happiness you feel when you're single is nothing compared to the happiness the person you love gives you.

It's not easy. Once you depend your happiness on someone, you're giving them the chance to hurt you over and over again. How do you be happy again without depending it on someone you may lose? You don't. You depend your happiness on people and get hurt until you find someone who can make you happy and not put you in tears at the same time, or you grow old and bitter and just hate; whatever you choose, choose wisely, you only live once.

Things don't change. People do.

Ever girl is going to meet a guy in their life that changes them. It doesn’t have to be physically, but it can be mentally and emotionally too. Maybe it’s when they’re a kid, or when they’re a teenager, or when they’re an adult, or even when they’re old. The age isn’t going to matter because once they meet this guy, nobody will ever compare and everything will never be the same.

A year ago, there was a girl, so innocent, carefree, and happy. She was happy, but she felt like something was still missing in her life. She didn’t figure out what it was and at one point she thought she did. Boys were nothing; she didn’t care about them. She had such a wild imagination. It kept her up at night, imagining things that would never happen and having different things to imagine about at night. She lived by the rules of her imagination. She went to school happy, came home happy, went to bed happy, ate like there was no tomorrow. She was indeed, one amazing little girl, so carefree and filled with life. Then she met a guy who changed certain thoughts in her mind but didn’t change her. Then she met another guy, who changed her entire world.
The girl watched thousands of movies about love and how couples acted towards each other. She wanted that, but she wasn’t in a hurry to get it. She knew how to be patient. Then she met a guy, let’s call him Noel. Noel was crushing over her best friend, and she thought it was quite amusing, but she also thought by imposing her best friend to go out with him, she was doing them both good. But she forgot about how her best friend was feeling about guys and why it was so hard for her to move on. It wasn’t until a few rejections, that she finally got the message. Then out of nowhere, the guy decided to flirt with her. It had been so long since she had been wanted by anyone, that she forgot why she was being so patient and went for it. They were together for two weeks. It was enough for her to get extremely attached, therefore causing some sort of heart ache over him. She was so used to having him around that when they broke up, it tore her a little. She cried that night and the morning after. Her attachment to him was so strong that it was impossible for her to not talk to him, even though things weren’t the same. She believed every word he said, when they were together, and she believed he cared. When she found out that he was flirting with a few other girls, when they were going out, she was furious. But she was hurt even more to realise that it didn’t take long for him to move on. She realised that it was over before it even begun. Although they were together for a short amount of time, it was then she realised how words and actions were different, how guys won’t always be telling the truth, how some guys will have ‘back up’, and how extremely painful it is to get attached to someone in such a short amount of time.
That guy was nothing compared to the guy she was with after though. Let’s call him Charlie. Charlie had been her on and off crush for years. She had never believed that she would ever be noticed by him. Everyone thought he was a dickhead, but she thought he was a cute dickhead with a different side to him. After her break up with Noel, she started talking to Charlie and they got really close. For her, it was Charlie who had caught her while she was falling and it made him special to her. They were flirting with each other for a while and this was how it all started.
Charlie had shown her what love was about. He showed her what it was like to be cared about and to have someone ask you if you’re okay every now and again. He was the prince she never asked for, nor wanted, but she got him anyway. Within a month, she was head over heels for him. She had felt so many feelings for him that she couldn’t describe it in words. Not only did he bring her happiness, but he made her feel complete. She thought he was the missing piece to her. She had never been in a relationship, where she actually had strong emotions for the other person. She was the type of person who went out with guys whom she didn’t have feelings for, so she didn’t have to deal with the heart break. But everyone has to go through it somehow, and this was her time.
Everyone saw them as a perfect couple, because of how they always showed they adored one another. But beyond that; nobody, except a few close friends, knew just how much they fought. She had taken him for granted, expected such high standards from him, causing her to always start a fight about some silly thing. She never meant to, she hated fighting with him. But she didn’t know how to deal with the pain that he often brought her. She always had the fear of losing him, but she kept starting fights with him anyway, thinking that if he loved her, he would stick around through the bullshit. For a while he did. Every time they fought, she would always apologise to him because she felt it was better off she lose an argument to him than lose him for good. On the 4^th of January 2012, they had been fighting again, and she thought it was just another one of those stupid fights. But he had enough and he didn’t know whether he should end it or not. He took all day to choose, and she felt like she was going to lose him so she let him go first, before he got to say the words.
It was the day her whole world came crumbling down. She had never felt so lost and so torn apart, it was overwhelming. She felt lost without him, like she was always missing something. It was her first love, or so she believed, and she didn’t know how to deal with all the pain. She quickly learned that keeping yourself busy and keeping your thoughts on different things, helps you block out the pain a little. But the pain never failed to always creep in and decide to invade for a while. It was a new concept to her, but she pretended she knew what she was doing and kept going on with her life. There was never a day that went by where she didn’t think about him, or what could’ve been. There were nights she’d lie in bed and break down; to cry the pain away. Some nights, she would feel alone and completely out of it, it didn’t occur to her how much it was affecting her. She stopped eating so much and lost a lot of weight. She slept less and cared less about what she looked like. Every day that went by, she prayed that he could bring back the part of her that he had taken with him when he left. It was the part that made her feel incomplete, but it was also the part that she loved him the most with; her heart.
Before she knew it, it was time to go back to school. The thought of having to see him terrified her. After a week of settling down and going back to normal, it suddenly went back to sleepless nights and eating less. The thought of facing him scared off her appetite again. When she finally faced him, she knew she wasn’t over him. Every time she saw him, her heart would race and she would have flashbacks of the times they spent together. She would remember the necklace, the movie, the kisses, the cuddles, and the way he said ‘I love you’. She had to constantly remind herself that he didn’t belong to her anymore, that he could do as he pleased.
Before she knew it, they were together again. At first it was exactly what she wanted, but she began to have doubts and it frustrated her.  From then on, doubts would circle her head whenever she was never with him. Every time they were broke up, it tore her apart even more. She started losing hope in everything. But every time they got back together, she tried her hardest at keeping it going and reminding herself constantly that it was another chance, another chance she couldn’t ruin because there might not be another.
We got back together four times and three weeks ago we broke up for the final time. Nobody really understood why we always got back together; if we kept breaking up for the same reasons. I never really understood why he kept coming back. I stuffed up a lot. Sometimes I think my biggest mistake was letting him go. Sometimes I think it was saying yes to him in the first place. Either way, he’s gone now. I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m trying my absolute hardest and every time I think I’m doing better, someone finds a way to shut me down. I can’t go to anyone, except Tristan, for help. Two of my closest girl friends, are completely useless. One’s acting like a know-it-all and keeps saying it’s a stage and I’ll get over it, when she knows what it was like and that it’s harder than it sounds but she just doesn’t care or acts like she doesn’t. Either way, she thinks I’m lying to her and that’s fucking ironic considering I’ve done nothing but tell the truth. I haven’t lied to her about any of this or the break up, but she’d rather believe my ex’s words than mine. Real friend huh? The other one, well she’s just about on the same level too. Except she’s more out of it, she hasn’t been at school and she hasn’t been through it so she doesn’t really know how to help. And she too, has decided to believe his words and not mine and think I’m just a sook.
I’m really starting to wonder who the fuck this guy is. It’s like he’s turning my closest friends against me and I can’t even go to them without them not getting involved. It’s like things just can’t be between us, it has to be with every-fucking-one of my closest friends AND his. Just because I vent doesn’t give them permission to fucking get involved, but no they do anyway. So yeah, just fuck it all. They can think what they want; he can say what he wants. I’m over everything. If the only way all this bullshit stops is for me to completely stop talking to him, then yeah I’ll do that. If the only way my friends stop getting involved in my shit; is for me to stop telling them personal stuff, then yeah I’ll do that. And when they ask why they no longer know anything about what’s going on in my life, they can have a look at this fucking blog and get the hell over it. Yeah I sound like a bitch. Pain changes people. Real friends accept you for who you are, even for the mistakes you did. If they can’t do that, then they’re not you’re real friends. They’re just people curious about your life. They don’t really care. They just want gossip and something to bitch about and judge you for.
The girl ended up trusting nobody. She didn’t believe her friends were no longer friends, and the boy she once loved was no longer that boy. It was like they turned into people she no longer new and she didn’t know who to go to anymore. She had never felt so lost and so broken. She only had one friend she could really count on anymore. But she didn’t even trust him.
It's sad how, a few months ago, things were so perfect. I seemed like I had everything but I still wasn't satisfied. Now I have nothing and all I can do is hope for a better future, that some day things will change and I'll stop feeling like this. I'm not afraid to admit that I miss everything we use to have, things might have changed between us but the memories will always be there. It's the memories that always seem to bring me down. Remembering everything we use to have, is now gone. And we're back to being strangers again. After everything I don't even know if surviving all this, is going to be worth it. 

I'm okayyy. c:

The worst part about falling out of love, is wondering if you'll ever open up that far again.

I haven't exactly 'fallen' out of love yet. I know I still love him because I miss him and it hurts like hell to think about him being with another girl. He made me extremely happy, even knowing that he was mine just made me feel good. Now that he's not, being happy seems so far from my reach. I don't feel it as often as I use to, and when I do feel it, it's only for a few minutes at the most. I know how to block out the pain but sometimes in order to stop feeling it, I need to release a bit of it until I completely stop feeling it. But you know what they say about pain, it never stops, you just get use to it.

I'm not afraid to fall in love again, nor am I afraid to get hurt again. I'm afraid to get attached too much and then be thrown away like nothing again. I'm afraid that I won't really love someone that much again.  I'm afraid I won't be able to love like that again. What hurts the most about a broken heart, is not knowing how you felt before that.

When someone asks me if I'm okay, I say "Yeah, I'm okay". Because the truth is, I am. I know how to hold back the tears. I know how to not overthink so much. There are moments I feel like absolute shit, but I know how to hold myself back from doing something I know I'll regret. There are moments I feel like breaking down because I miss him or because something reminded me of a memory we shared. But I'm okay.

I've changed. I'm not the girl I was eight months ago. Maybe people don't see it. But I know I have. Eight months ago, I was happy. I depended on myself and I was able to stand on my own two feet. Eight months ago, I didn't think so much and when I did think, it never hurt. I guess we all change at on point. Pain does that to people, I guess.

Confusion come at me.

The thing about this, is it expresses every possible word I've been trying to put in a sentence in the past few days. All right here in what this girl answered. 

It's just a shame he really can't see that I just want to be friends with him. When he gave up on me, I stayed friends with him because it was what he wanted. Now that it was my choice, it's like I was dropped and became nothing. I know you can never be friends with someone who meant the world to you, but if they're that special, wouldn't you try? Or would you just throw everything away? 

Once again, confusion has struck me. I want to be friends with him, but just not right now. Right now, it's way too hard. I can  barely look at him without that fucked up feeling coming back. Thank the lord for work experience and the holidays, maybe I'll be okay. I know the pain gets easier though, I've been through it before. The more I go through it, the more experienced I become on how to handle the pain. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with my body and why it's fucking up on me. But there will always be the times when I can't help but think about him. Like when I wake up in the morning and think of him or before I sleep and think of him. 

I don't know what will be worse, when he first talks to me again, or knowing it took him so long to even start talking to me again.