the future.

It's insane how fast I get attached to someone. I never really noticed it, because I really believed I knew how to distance myself from being one of those teenagers that doesn't get hurt all the time therefore being sad and depressed and looking at things in a negative way. And I did know, for a while I did know how to do that. But eventually the barrier was knocked down by the person I didn't know would ever do that.

I never understood why people went on and on about love and how it hurt people. I watched movies but never understood why they were hurt by the things that one person did. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I was smart enough to avoid that and for some insane reason I thought it would be fun to experience something new and feel that. Now that it's happened and is happening, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world from the rest of the world or maybe just end it all. 

I don't want to live anymore. I don't want this thing called life. Not because of him, but because I never realized how terrifying the future is and how everything I do and everything I say always seems to be the wrong thing. If it's not me pushing people away, it's them pushing me away. I don't know who my real friends are anymore. I don't want my family around anymore. I just don't want anyone anymore. I don't want to know what's in the future and what it has to offer, I couldn't care less. I'm not happy anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my sister but even she's starting to push me away. I talk to everyone about how my future's going to be like, about how I'm going to go to University and get a car, about the times we'll spend driving out in the bush and just chill, about having kids and getting married. I talk about it all, but I don't even know if I want to be alive to experience all that. Everyday is becoming a struggle and it just gets worse. I use to think about the future filled with determination and wanting this and that to happen. I think about the future now and all I see is nothing. I know I sound pathetic. But that's honestly how I feel.