Finding the words to say goodbye

By the end of Childcare, the class was split into three groups. One was the popular group, one surrounded the teacher asking her questions, and one surrounded my best friend as they all said goodbye to her. I stood at the center of the class looking at the clock. The clock had been broken for sometime now, it never moved and just simply stayed at the same time day after day. I looked at my best friend as she talked happily to everyone, she caught my gaze and smiled at me. I smiled back and turned back to the clock. I made a wish; that it would stay like that for a while and that she wouldn't have to leave. I knew it was never going to come true, but I hoped. I zoned out in my train of thoughts.

"Alright girls, let's head downstairs," The teacher said as she ushered us out. As I walked out the door, I looked at the clock one last time and knew this was going to be a day I would never forget. The day I would see her, my best friend, my sister for the last time. Yeah, we made plans to write and call every day. But nothing ever sticks anymore and I knew, in my heart, that we'll slowly drift apart and she'll forget about me. I found it unfair. Not only was I losing one of the best people in the world, but I was so terrified that I would never get that close to anyone ever again. I walked down the stairs and through the gym doors, secretly hoping that I could avoid a goodbye, but deep down I knew I would feel terrible not saying goodbye.

"Shalen!" She yelled and I turned to look at her. 'Here it comes' I thought. But it didn't so I just followed her to her locker. We shared a joke for a bit and from the corner of my eyes I saw him coming towards me. So I turned to Danyka and hugged her the best I could. I felt my eyes water as I pulled away.

I swallowed a lump in my throat, and before I knew it I was pulled into another hug. I looked up and saw his eyes. Those warm and caring eyes that I've looked in so many times. We had, had a fight earlier that day and he was angry. When I looked into his eyes, I knew the anger he had felt before was gone and all I saw was pain. I will never understand that boy. But it was something in his eyes that made me wanna break down. 

It's like my life was having another big turning point and I didn't know it yet. I know she's not gone forever, maybe we'll meet again someday. We met for a reason. Maybe one day, I'll understand what, but for now I just have to accept it. Accept that everything's always going to change and nothing stays permanent. Life doesn't stop because someone leaves, it goes on. 

This girl; Danyka.

Three years ago, I met this girl; Danyka. She was nothing but another girl in school I had to talk to. For a year and a bit, we walked around school, not really appreciating each other's existence, but we both knew where we stood. We weren't friends but we weren't the best buds either. We were kind of just people who went to school together and had the occasional chat. 

Then suddenly, for no reason at all, we began to talk even more and discovered that we had more in common than we first thought. There was something about her, I don't know what, but somehow she started bringing out a side of me that I never knew I had. She made me just as crazy as her and, in some ways, even crazier. As months passed we became closer and she became the best friend I never had. Every waking moment I spent with her was crazy and always filled with laughter. She told me all about her life and everything that's happened and, honestly, my heart shattered. I never understood how a girl like her, could have gone through so much and still manage to smile and laugh every day. 

At the beginning of this year, our friendship bloomed and we became the best of friends. From day one of school in February until today, every moment we spent together was spent in fits of laughter or pulling stupid faces at each other. We've had random conversations about the most unnecessary stuff, joked around a lot (about 3/4 of the time we were together), shared secrets no one knew about, but most importantly, she is the only person in the world who really understood me. She listened to my hours of complaining, minutes of crying, and put up with my bitchy mood swings. I could talk to her about anything but we chose to joke around more than being serious because being serious was too overrated for us.

This girl, this completely retarded and absolutely crazy girl, was suddenly part of my world. She is one of the few people who can make me forget about my problems by just having a casual phone conversation with her. She made every moment worth living and turned bad situations into something good. I didn't know how someone like her came into my life, but she did and I was grateful.

An hour ago, she told me the worst news I never wanted to hear. She was moving and she's not coming back. Not for holidays, not for visits, she's just not coming back. I knew due to her family problems, and home situation, she didn't want to live here anymore. But I didn't think I'd have a little less than a week to say goodbye to her. Honestly, how do you say goodbye to someone who pretty much changed your whole life within less than a year. How do you say goodbye to a best friend that you depend on so much to be there for you when it comes to the worst. I had just found someone who understood me and could take away all the pain and problems for a while, and she was already leaving. 

I guess they're right about cherishing the moment before it becomes a memory. You never really know how important someone is to you until you're forced to say goodbye to them. 

the future.

It's insane how fast I get attached to someone. I never really noticed it, because I really believed I knew how to distance myself from being one of those teenagers that doesn't get hurt all the time therefore being sad and depressed and looking at things in a negative way. And I did know, for a while I did know how to do that. But eventually the barrier was knocked down by the person I didn't know would ever do that.

I never understood why people went on and on about love and how it hurt people. I watched movies but never understood why they were hurt by the things that one person did. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I was smart enough to avoid that and for some insane reason I thought it would be fun to experience something new and feel that. Now that it's happened and is happening, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world from the rest of the world or maybe just end it all. 

I don't want to live anymore. I don't want this thing called life. Not because of him, but because I never realized how terrifying the future is and how everything I do and everything I say always seems to be the wrong thing. If it's not me pushing people away, it's them pushing me away. I don't know who my real friends are anymore. I don't want my family around anymore. I just don't want anyone anymore. I don't want to know what's in the future and what it has to offer, I couldn't care less. I'm not happy anymore. The only thing keeping me going is my sister but even she's starting to push me away. I talk to everyone about how my future's going to be like, about how I'm going to go to University and get a car, about the times we'll spend driving out in the bush and just chill, about having kids and getting married. I talk about it all, but I don't even know if I want to be alive to experience all that. Everyday is becoming a struggle and it just gets worse. I use to think about the future filled with determination and wanting this and that to happen. I think about the future now and all I see is nothing. I know I sound pathetic. But that's honestly how I feel. 

Sometimes, the only person you can depend on is yourself.

I don't know what's worse; wanting him and knowing there's no chance of us ever again, or having him and being hurt all the time but being at my happiest every single day. If I were with him I would have had to choose because it wouldn't have been fair for either of us. But he's not mine anymore and will no longer be mine. I'm okay with that, I really am. The more these things happen, the more I get use to it and accept it. 

I often find myself wondering how people get so sad. I mean, a year ago I was never like this. I never looked at things in a negative way. I was happy and actually full of life. I looked at things like there was no bad side of it. But I guess a lot can happen in a year. Now a days, I get sad for no reason. People ask me what's wrong and I tell them about some pathetic excuse about my ex and the break up, but in all honesty I don't know. I don't know why I get sad. I don't know why one moment I'd be happy and then the next I'm sad. It just happens and I don't know why, and I don't like not knowing why. 

There are people who say they need someone because they don't think they're good by them self, but they manage to be okay without anyone holding them up. There are people who say they don't need anyone because they're perfectly fine by themselves, but you can see in there eyes that they need someone to hold them up and they keep depending on one person or another to do just that. Then there's people like me; thinking and knowing I don't need anyone to make me happy until someone comes along and makes me realize what real happiness is and that the happiness you feel when you're single is nothing compared to the happiness the person you love gives you.

It's not easy. Once you depend your happiness on someone, you're giving them the chance to hurt you over and over again. How do you be happy again without depending it on someone you may lose? You don't. You depend your happiness on people and get hurt until you find someone who can make you happy and not put you in tears at the same time, or you grow old and bitter and just hate; whatever you choose, choose wisely, you only live once.

Things don't change. People do.

Ever girl is going to meet a guy in their life that changes them. It doesn’t have to be physically, but it can be mentally and emotionally too. Maybe it’s when they’re a kid, or when they’re a teenager, or when they’re an adult, or even when they’re old. The age isn’t going to matter because once they meet this guy, nobody will ever compare and everything will never be the same.

A year ago, there was a girl, so innocent, carefree, and happy. She was happy, but she felt like something was still missing in her life. She didn’t figure out what it was and at one point she thought she did. Boys were nothing; she didn’t care about them. She had such a wild imagination. It kept her up at night, imagining things that would never happen and having different things to imagine about at night. She lived by the rules of her imagination. She went to school happy, came home happy, went to bed happy, ate like there was no tomorrow. She was indeed, one amazing little girl, so carefree and filled with life. Then she met a guy who changed certain thoughts in her mind but didn’t change her. Then she met another guy, who changed her entire world.
The girl watched thousands of movies about love and how couples acted towards each other. She wanted that, but she wasn’t in a hurry to get it. She knew how to be patient. Then she met a guy, let’s call him Noel. Noel was crushing over her best friend, and she thought it was quite amusing, but she also thought by imposing her best friend to go out with him, she was doing them both good. But she forgot about how her best friend was feeling about guys and why it was so hard for her to move on. It wasn’t until a few rejections, that she finally got the message. Then out of nowhere, the guy decided to flirt with her. It had been so long since she had been wanted by anyone, that she forgot why she was being so patient and went for it. They were together for two weeks. It was enough for her to get extremely attached, therefore causing some sort of heart ache over him. She was so used to having him around that when they broke up, it tore her a little. She cried that night and the morning after. Her attachment to him was so strong that it was impossible for her to not talk to him, even though things weren’t the same. She believed every word he said, when they were together, and she believed he cared. When she found out that he was flirting with a few other girls, when they were going out, she was furious. But she was hurt even more to realise that it didn’t take long for him to move on. She realised that it was over before it even begun. Although they were together for a short amount of time, it was then she realised how words and actions were different, how guys won’t always be telling the truth, how some guys will have ‘back up’, and how extremely painful it is to get attached to someone in such a short amount of time.
That guy was nothing compared to the guy she was with after though. Let’s call him Charlie. Charlie had been her on and off crush for years. She had never believed that she would ever be noticed by him. Everyone thought he was a dickhead, but she thought he was a cute dickhead with a different side to him. After her break up with Noel, she started talking to Charlie and they got really close. For her, it was Charlie who had caught her while she was falling and it made him special to her. They were flirting with each other for a while and this was how it all started.
Charlie had shown her what love was about. He showed her what it was like to be cared about and to have someone ask you if you’re okay every now and again. He was the prince she never asked for, nor wanted, but she got him anyway. Within a month, she was head over heels for him. She had felt so many feelings for him that she couldn’t describe it in words. Not only did he bring her happiness, but he made her feel complete. She thought he was the missing piece to her. She had never been in a relationship, where she actually had strong emotions for the other person. She was the type of person who went out with guys whom she didn’t have feelings for, so she didn’t have to deal with the heart break. But everyone has to go through it somehow, and this was her time.
Everyone saw them as a perfect couple, because of how they always showed they adored one another. But beyond that; nobody, except a few close friends, knew just how much they fought. She had taken him for granted, expected such high standards from him, causing her to always start a fight about some silly thing. She never meant to, she hated fighting with him. But she didn’t know how to deal with the pain that he often brought her. She always had the fear of losing him, but she kept starting fights with him anyway, thinking that if he loved her, he would stick around through the bullshit. For a while he did. Every time they fought, she would always apologise to him because she felt it was better off she lose an argument to him than lose him for good. On the 4^th of January 2012, they had been fighting again, and she thought it was just another one of those stupid fights. But he had enough and he didn’t know whether he should end it or not. He took all day to choose, and she felt like she was going to lose him so she let him go first, before he got to say the words.
It was the day her whole world came crumbling down. She had never felt so lost and so torn apart, it was overwhelming. She felt lost without him, like she was always missing something. It was her first love, or so she believed, and she didn’t know how to deal with all the pain. She quickly learned that keeping yourself busy and keeping your thoughts on different things, helps you block out the pain a little. But the pain never failed to always creep in and decide to invade for a while. It was a new concept to her, but she pretended she knew what she was doing and kept going on with her life. There was never a day that went by where she didn’t think about him, or what could’ve been. There were nights she’d lie in bed and break down; to cry the pain away. Some nights, she would feel alone and completely out of it, it didn’t occur to her how much it was affecting her. She stopped eating so much and lost a lot of weight. She slept less and cared less about what she looked like. Every day that went by, she prayed that he could bring back the part of her that he had taken with him when he left. It was the part that made her feel incomplete, but it was also the part that she loved him the most with; her heart.
Before she knew it, it was time to go back to school. The thought of having to see him terrified her. After a week of settling down and going back to normal, it suddenly went back to sleepless nights and eating less. The thought of facing him scared off her appetite again. When she finally faced him, she knew she wasn’t over him. Every time she saw him, her heart would race and she would have flashbacks of the times they spent together. She would remember the necklace, the movie, the kisses, the cuddles, and the way he said ‘I love you’. She had to constantly remind herself that he didn’t belong to her anymore, that he could do as he pleased.
Before she knew it, they were together again. At first it was exactly what she wanted, but she began to have doubts and it frustrated her.  From then on, doubts would circle her head whenever she was never with him. Every time they were broke up, it tore her apart even more. She started losing hope in everything. But every time they got back together, she tried her hardest at keeping it going and reminding herself constantly that it was another chance, another chance she couldn’t ruin because there might not be another.
We got back together four times and three weeks ago we broke up for the final time. Nobody really understood why we always got back together; if we kept breaking up for the same reasons. I never really understood why he kept coming back. I stuffed up a lot. Sometimes I think my biggest mistake was letting him go. Sometimes I think it was saying yes to him in the first place. Either way, he’s gone now. I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m trying my absolute hardest and every time I think I’m doing better, someone finds a way to shut me down. I can’t go to anyone, except Tristan, for help. Two of my closest girl friends, are completely useless. One’s acting like a know-it-all and keeps saying it’s a stage and I’ll get over it, when she knows what it was like and that it’s harder than it sounds but she just doesn’t care or acts like she doesn’t. Either way, she thinks I’m lying to her and that’s fucking ironic considering I’ve done nothing but tell the truth. I haven’t lied to her about any of this or the break up, but she’d rather believe my ex’s words than mine. Real friend huh? The other one, well she’s just about on the same level too. Except she’s more out of it, she hasn’t been at school and she hasn’t been through it so she doesn’t really know how to help. And she too, has decided to believe his words and not mine and think I’m just a sook.
I’m really starting to wonder who the fuck this guy is. It’s like he’s turning my closest friends against me and I can’t even go to them without them not getting involved. It’s like things just can’t be between us, it has to be with every-fucking-one of my closest friends AND his. Just because I vent doesn’t give them permission to fucking get involved, but no they do anyway. So yeah, just fuck it all. They can think what they want; he can say what he wants. I’m over everything. If the only way all this bullshit stops is for me to completely stop talking to him, then yeah I’ll do that. If the only way my friends stop getting involved in my shit; is for me to stop telling them personal stuff, then yeah I’ll do that. And when they ask why they no longer know anything about what’s going on in my life, they can have a look at this fucking blog and get the hell over it. Yeah I sound like a bitch. Pain changes people. Real friends accept you for who you are, even for the mistakes you did. If they can’t do that, then they’re not you’re real friends. They’re just people curious about your life. They don’t really care. They just want gossip and something to bitch about and judge you for.
The girl ended up trusting nobody. She didn’t believe her friends were no longer friends, and the boy she once loved was no longer that boy. It was like they turned into people she no longer new and she didn’t know who to go to anymore. She had never felt so lost and so broken. She only had one friend she could really count on anymore. But she didn’t even trust him.
It's sad how, a few months ago, things were so perfect. I seemed like I had everything but I still wasn't satisfied. Now I have nothing and all I can do is hope for a better future, that some day things will change and I'll stop feeling like this. I'm not afraid to admit that I miss everything we use to have, things might have changed between us but the memories will always be there. It's the memories that always seem to bring me down. Remembering everything we use to have, is now gone. And we're back to being strangers again. After everything I don't even know if surviving all this, is going to be worth it. 

I'm okayyy. c:

The worst part about falling out of love, is wondering if you'll ever open up that far again.

I haven't exactly 'fallen' out of love yet. I know I still love him because I miss him and it hurts like hell to think about him being with another girl. He made me extremely happy, even knowing that he was mine just made me feel good. Now that he's not, being happy seems so far from my reach. I don't feel it as often as I use to, and when I do feel it, it's only for a few minutes at the most. I know how to block out the pain but sometimes in order to stop feeling it, I need to release a bit of it until I completely stop feeling it. But you know what they say about pain, it never stops, you just get use to it.

I'm not afraid to fall in love again, nor am I afraid to get hurt again. I'm afraid to get attached too much and then be thrown away like nothing again. I'm afraid that I won't really love someone that much again.  I'm afraid I won't be able to love like that again. What hurts the most about a broken heart, is not knowing how you felt before that.

When someone asks me if I'm okay, I say "Yeah, I'm okay". Because the truth is, I am. I know how to hold back the tears. I know how to not overthink so much. There are moments I feel like absolute shit, but I know how to hold myself back from doing something I know I'll regret. There are moments I feel like breaking down because I miss him or because something reminded me of a memory we shared. But I'm okay.

I've changed. I'm not the girl I was eight months ago. Maybe people don't see it. But I know I have. Eight months ago, I was happy. I depended on myself and I was able to stand on my own two feet. Eight months ago, I didn't think so much and when I did think, it never hurt. I guess we all change at on point. Pain does that to people, I guess.

Confusion come at me.

The thing about this, is it expresses every possible word I've been trying to put in a sentence in the past few days. All right here in what this girl answered. 

It's just a shame he really can't see that I just want to be friends with him. When he gave up on me, I stayed friends with him because it was what he wanted. Now that it was my choice, it's like I was dropped and became nothing. I know you can never be friends with someone who meant the world to you, but if they're that special, wouldn't you try? Or would you just throw everything away? 

Once again, confusion has struck me. I want to be friends with him, but just not right now. Right now, it's way too hard. I can  barely look at him without that fucked up feeling coming back. Thank the lord for work experience and the holidays, maybe I'll be okay. I know the pain gets easier though, I've been through it before. The more I go through it, the more experienced I become on how to handle the pain. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with my body and why it's fucking up on me. But there will always be the times when I can't help but think about him. Like when I wake up in the morning and think of him or before I sleep and think of him. 

I don't know what will be worse, when he first talks to me again, or knowing it took him so long to even start talking to me again. 

Sometimes, decisions that feel right at the time may be the wrong ones.

It's hard you know. Going from talking to someone 24/7 to hardly getting a 'hey'. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I push all my feelings away because I know if I let myself feel it, it'll destroy me. 


I don't know what it's going to be like tomorrow. I don't know if you're going to school or not. But it's going to be extremely hard not trying to look for you, not expecting a hug and a kiss, not expecting for you to come say hi to me first. I know exactly how I'm going to feel when I see you. I'm going to see everything I gave up, the memories, and everything I wanted. But I'm also going to see the guy who went out with so many girls and the guy who's only going to go out with many more after me. I'm going to see the guy who can't handle being single because he always needs to be in a relationship. I'm going to see the guy who broke all his promises and lied to me for the majority of the time. I'm going to see exactly what I don't want to see.  


I woke up yesterday, wishing it was all a dream. Wishing it never happened. But the full realization hit me and it hit me hard. I curled up in bed for hours and broke down at one point. I just wanted the pain to go away. I'm not prepared for this. But then again I wasn't prepared every other time, was I?

I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to scream and cry before I go to bed and get it all out of my system. When I go to school tomorrow, I'm going to smile. Smile like I was never in pain. I'm going to forget everything and try to enjoy my day. I'm going to live each day at a time, until you no longer affect me, until you no longer cause me any pain. I know it was my choice and I'm facing the consequences. I just need to get over it. Get over you. I'll find a way to say goodbye. I always do. 

asdfghjkl.

Screwing up all the best things in my life, seems to be my worst habit.
I was always the one to say "Don't let the past ruin your future" or "Everything you say and do will determine what your future will shape out like".
But I never listen to myself. Those who come to me, listen to my advice, but I can't even take my own advice. I forget every freaking advice, I've ever given someone, and when it comes to my actions, I act before I think. And the consequences are always the worst.

I woke up today thinking I just had the worst dream. But it wasn't a dream, he's really not mine anymore. And the pain was enough for me to break down and not get out of bed for nearly five hours. I'm not sure if it was the best decision because all I feel is pain. But in the long run, I know I'll be okay. I just miss him. I miss us. I miss having someone to talk to 24/7. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he does move on. But I want him to be happy. He deserves it, I just wish I was the one that could make him happy. 


I've always been the one to push people away. I just didn't know I was capable of pushing away the one person that made me feel true happiness. It was painful being in that relationship, but I can't help but remember all the good times. The times when he made me feel like I was something that mattered. Out of all of this, that's what I'm going to miss the most. The memories we made and how happy he made me.


I don't know why I let him go. I guess part of it was that I was afraid. If it didn't end soon, it would've ended later and the pain would've been worse. I was afraid of how capable he was of changing my emotions. I wasn't in control of myself anymore, he was, and it scared the hell out of me. If he really did hurt me, what if the pain was enough for me to hurt myself or do something worse? I hate not being in control of my own life. I know someday, it's going to have to change. Just not today. Not while I'm still a teenager with my whole entire life ahead of me. 

The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to keep the tears from falling.

And it's those times when no one's talking to you, when you're listening to Taylor Swift, when you're waiting for someone to make you feel something other than the numbness that's eating you up inside, that's when the pain of loneliness bursts inside you. You wake up everyday hoping the pain will go away, but it doesn't, it just gets pushed aside until your alone again and you start to feel it.

You can be surrounded by so many people, but feel more alone than ever. Your body's there, but you're not there. Your somewhere else. Those people that say "I'll always be here if you need", they're never there. You push people away when really you just want to reach out and ask them for help.

It gets harder everyday and you start wishing the things you never thought would even come in your mind. You start wishing you were actually dead. You start to want the pain to go away. You start realising the monster inside you was finally showing itself. It gets harder to sleep through the night, it gets harder to fake a smile when all you wanna do is cry.

After pushing people away, you start to reach out, and when you do, no gives a flying fuck about how you are. They all think you're okay, they think you're happy. They have no idea how much you just want to grab a fucking knife and stab yourself. They have no idea the amount of times you cry yourself to sleep. 
So I'm back to stage one. Back to where it all started.
IDK, if he'll see this. But seriously Cheyenne, fuck you. I opened up to you and tried to reach out. But all you could fucking think about is yourself and how horribly I treat you. You make me fucking regret being in this relationship. I tell you about how I'm having a hard time and all you can say is "Aw, really baby?". Yes you make me happy, but part of being my boyfriend is to be there. Out of everyone, you feel the most distant. Trust me when I say, I won't mention anything anymore because all you love to hear is about how much I fucking love you and how you're amazing and that shit. The first person I open up to and all you can think about is yourself you fucking selfish bastard. <<< Everything I said there is purely out of the anger I have for you at the moment. Feel free to break up with me if I treat you anymore horribly than I already do sweetheart. It's sad isn't it? That I'm writing this on a fucking blog instead of telling someone about this. HA.

And to think one person did all this.

I still remember every kiss we ever had. I remember when he use to pull me in for them, when he turned my head just so he can kiss me, when I had to go on my tippy toes just so I can kiss him. I remember the first time too. The first time his lips touched mine. I had the weirdest sensation go through my whole body. My lips were still tingling hours after he had left. There's not a day that goes by that I don't ever think about the first time. Sure I've had my first kiss before that. But that was the highlight of them all. None of them meant more to me than his did.

Now that his not mine, I crave for his lips to be on mine. Yes, it's weird and I probably sound like a lunatic. But, now, every time I see a couple kiss, every time I see a picture of couples kissing, every time I see him, all I can think about is what it feels like to have his lips on mine. I miss him terribly and the small stuff he did that he never noticed. I hate being able to hug him but him not hugging me back. I miss those times when he would just wrap his arms around me, when he kissed me out of the blue, when he told me he loved me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish for it all to come back.

It's funny how one person. One normal person, can make the biggest impact on your life. I remember the days when I didn't miss anyone. When I felt alone but happy. When I didn't use to cry so much over one guy. When I didn't think about every little thing. When I didn't have to wake up thinking I had to impress anyone. When I had no one on my mind.

Ever since he left, it's like my heart and my brain work together trying to torture me for absolutely no good reason. My brain knows what's best, my brain thinks I should leave him and so I try to find reasons to. But my heart wants him, and forces me to hold back. It's a constant battle every day. Sleeping is the only time I get any peace. That time, after I lay in bed and before I go to sleep, is the worst time during the day. I think about what's happened the past few months, I think about the amount of time I've screwed up, I think about the 'what ifs', and within a few minutes I'm already in tears. I unblock the pain and cry it out, until I fall asleep. I'd rather people see me strong than see me at my weakest. Nobody's ever there to tell me what to do, to tell me that everything's gonna be okay (because it won't), to ask me what's wrong, to tell me to stop crying. Sometimes people don't understand that I just have to cry it out because I've been holding it in for so long, that I just need it all out.

It's scary how one person can do all this, can cause so much damage to you. Now, if someone asked me about what I was afraid of the most, I'd say his name. I'm afraid of what he'll say next, of what he'll do next, of how much more damage he could do to me, of how happy he makes me feel when I'm with him, of how angry I get because of him, of how much I love him. I'm afraid of him pushing me away. I'm afraid of the time he'll stop loving me. I'm afraid of him because everything he does affects me, and the scary thing is... he doesn't know that, so he does whatever he wants and doesn't realise just how much it affects me.

The ending is the saddest part of the story.

So I guess that's it between us. It finally hit me that you're no longer mine. I'm no longer yours. I'm trying to prepare myself. For when I see someone else in your arms, and you'll hold her the way you held me. But no matter how much preparation I do for myself I know it's going to hurt, more than it does now.

A few months ago, I never thought we'd end. I never thought our story would have an ending and, looking back, I wish I never thought that. Let me tell you something though; the last few months, as painful as some nights might have been, were the best of my life so far. I know I'm giving up the chance to be with you again but I want to be happy, and I can't do that with you. In all the chaos, I realised I had to stop the one thing that was causing all the pain... and I realised it was you. I hate to let you go, I hate knowing you're no longer mine, but sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.

I don't know how you feel about all this. But you never realised just how much you were playing with my emotions. You treated me like a puppet. You were pulling my strings. Everything was your decision and I suffered with every choice you made. I had to take control. I had to do what was best for me and letting you go, just might be what I need. It hurts and all I want to do is cry, but I'm afraid I'll never stop if I start. So I'm holding everything in, waiting for the perfect time to let it all out. It hurts, you have no idea how much. Every time I see you, I just want to run to you and let it all out because I know you'll hold me but I hold myself back because I'll never be able to let you go.

I just want you back. But I know that's impossible. I know it was never meant to be. As much as I love you, as much as I want to hold you again, it really is time to say goodbye to us. And I'll be that girl, the one that watches from a distance as you hold another girl, the way you once held me, you'll tell her everything you once told me, you'll smile at her the way you once smiled at me, you'll kiss her the way you once kissed me. And it'll break me inside but there won't be anything I can do.

What happens when you think deeply about everything, EVERYDAY.

In your lifetime, a lot of people will tell you they'll always be there for you... But the thing is, you won't always believe them. No matter how many people tell you they'll be there for you, you'll still have those times that you feel like nobody's ever there... That feeling of loneliness.
It has actually been a while since I've felt happy because the thing is, I've just been feeling empty inside. I'll laugh, I'll smile and look like I'm having the time of my life but I wouldn't feel anything. Inside, I'd still feel empty. I don't even know what I feel anymore.

No one really has the guts to ask how I'm feeling, but even if they did my answer would be "good". I'm not one for lying but I'd rather them think I was happy and living a good ife than having to ask what's wrong and me having to explain everything to them.

There are people I could go to and tell them I'm upset, but they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't know how to be there and what to say. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even know if I want to be alive anymore. I don't want to kill myself, I just don't know if I want to be alive anymore.

I'm surrounded by people every single day, yet I feel like I'm the only person there. I miss the days when I could laugh and smile and they weren't fake. I miss the feeling of happiness. I want to feel happy again but everytime I feel like I could be, something happens and it brings me back to where it all began.

They don't know what it's like to think deeply about everything, EVERYDAY. Sometimes I'd be in the moment, but suddenly I feel like I'm snatched out of my head and I know my body's there but my mind is elsewhere. It happens a lot.

Some nights, I'd think so deeply that I stay up really late and break down. My bed, at night, with music is the best place to break down. Nobody asks you if you're okay, you can suffer in the darkness, in the silence. Nobody's there to see you at your worst and feel sorry for you. You can pretend, that for just a moment, you were dead. You didn't breathe, you weren't remembered. You just died and nobody knew. Nobody felt any pain over losing you, nobody missed you. For a moment, you're in a place where you can be happy.

How do you tell the difference between being 'inlove' and being inlove with the idea of love?

It's the scariest question when you're in a relationship. Well not the scariest, but it's scary. You start to ask yourself if you really are inlove with the person or you're just inlove with the idea of love. Ask yourself, what did you really love about them? If your answer is mainly about their physical features then you're not inlove with the person. You're just attracted to them. Love isn't about what they look like on the outside, it's about what they feel on the inside.

Love is not an emotion that can be proven but it can be shown. Love cannot be specified as one thing because it is a million things. I use to believe in love at first sight, but now I go against it. I believe you can be attracted to someone when you first look at them, but you can't love them because if you were asked at that moment what you loved about them, you'd be descibing what they looked like.

Some people meet there future husband/wife, others fall for their best friend. For me; love is about caring about each other, making each other happy, becoming stronger from difficult situations, and never giving up on each other. Love is different to everyone but everyone wants it. What they don't realise, is with love comes pain. The person you love can be the one to hurt you the most.

Love in high school isn't forever, it's something that prepares you for the real deal. It's hard to believe that love will last forever when everyone around you proves to you that it doesn't last for more than a few years, or even a few months. I guess things will be different when we're older, love will truly mean something. I hope to find that one guy that can say 'I love you' to me, and actually mean it.

I don't know how you can tell the difference between being 'inlove' and being inlove with the idea of love, but I think I'm starting to. What does that mean? I don't know... yet.

You're alive but you're not really there...

Have you ever wanted to ask a question but didn't because you knew in your heart you wouldn't be able to handle the answer?

Yes, so many times. Today was the worst day I've ever had to go through. The first time he saw me today, he looked at me then walked away. I stood there, silently breaking. None of them knew. None of them knew how painful it was to see that. I wanted to chase after him but something held me on the spot.

I knew it was going to end some day. I just didn't know it would have to be so soon. There are just times in my life when I wonder why I fuck up so much. But then again nobody's perfect. Being ignored, being walked away on... It's the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you just died and nobody around you know the pain. You watch them laugh, you match them smile, and you feel bad for not being able to do the same.

My blog's been awfully depressing lately but it's only because these blogs are the only way I get the bad feelings out. It's the only way I stop from doing what I really want to do.

I don't know why I put myself in these situations. I knew I was gonna get hurt. I knew I was gonna suffer. But I didn't care. Because all I wanted was him. And I'm about to lose him. I made myself so vulnerable, after I just made myself strong again. I don't know what to do. He wants me to wait but why? Shouldn't you know how you already feel? I don't want to go and have a shower and come back to bad news.

I have that small hope in my heart that he'll stay but he'll leave. Just like everyone else. I knew I didn't deserve the best. I know better to not hope for it now.

You can't love without the pain.

It's hard you know. Feeling the pain all day, everyday. Nobody really knows what it's like to be me but then again, nobody really knows what it's like to be somebody else. I'm that one friend that everyone goes to for help, for someone to yell at just to get everything out, for someone to listen, and for someone to tell them everything's gonna be okay. The thing is I can't really go to anyone for help. It's not that I don't trust them. It's that the only way for me to really open up is through blogs or typing. I can't and I don't know how to open up in person. I don't know how to sum up in words why that pains always been there. I can put it away for a while but at the end of the day it just comes back.

For the entire afternoon I stayed in my room. I wasn't listening to music, or watching movies on my laptop, or did my homework. I sat on the floor and cried because the pain just suddenly became too much. I'm not the type to cut or harm myself in anyway. I cry because it's the only way to get everything out. I thought about everything. I thought about my childhood, I thought about my family and friends, I thought about me and the person I am. My attitude changes depending on my mood; one minute I'll be happy and the next I'll be angry. With me, there's no telling what I'll be feeling next. I get hurt by the simplest of things and instead of saying it hurt me, I say I'm pissed off.  There'll be nights I admit I'm hurt but those are the nights people decide to fuck around and not care. I've tried to be there for everyone but one person ends up being pissed at me because they feel like I'm giving other people more attention than them, when really I try my best to be there for everyone and that one person just make me feel like my best isn't enough.

There's a reason I try to open up to people, but in the end they just end up being confused about me. The reason is I'm afraid to let people in. Eventually you learn that not everyone stays in your life, some will leave without knowing they have and you end up being forgotten. To me, letting anyone in is giving them the chance to break you and put you in more pain than you really need. But if you think about it that pain is what you need in order to become stronger. There are people that I've already let in and I know how much it'll hurt to lose them, but that's life. As for those that have tried to open up and I've pushed them away, I'm sorry. I just can't let anyone else in because I know in the end you'll end up walking right out. I can't believe in trust, promises and love anymore. When you trust someone you end up being betrayed, promises end up being broken, and love comes with the good and the worst.

When you have someone, they seem like the world to you. You don't really think about what's gonna happen when they leave because you never believed it was possible. When you love someone you devote your entire life to them, you give them the other part of your heart. Nobody thinks about the 'what ifs' because life's about taking chances and you feel like you didn't have to worry about the 'what ifs'. Unfortunately I've always thought about the 'what ifs'. I've thought about when he leaves and what I'm going to do. From the break up, I've learned to love someone but not let them in. Yes, I love him but at the same time I don't. It's hard to explain and I can't explain it without you thinking I'm pretending to love him because I'm not. I really do love him but when comes love comes the pain. It's the pain I try to block out but get it mixed with love and when I say 'I love you' there are days I feel like I don't mean it.

A letter to him.

Baby,
When I lost you, apart of me was lost too because the thing is when you love someone entirely you feel like apart of you isn't yours anymore; it belongs to them. So when I lost you, I lost that part of me that belonged to you. Life was so different without you and I missed you so much. I remember the pain. I remember the countless times I'd look at the pictures of you that I never really had the guts to delete. I remember wearing that necklace for days without taking it off. I remember laying in bed at night and remembering every moment we had together and bursting into tears because I missed you. I remember hoping you'd talk to me and tell me it was all a joke. I remember not being able to watch Harry Potter Part 2 because you got it for me. I remember not being able to watch Green Lantern because you were my Green Lantern and I remember our saying "You're my earth and I'm your Green Lantern". I remember thinking it'll never be the same between us again. I remember how much it hurt when you told me you didn't love me anymore. I did everything to avoid you. I blocked you and deleted you but even I know you can't delete a person from your life. You helped alot, you didn't talk to me and blocked me too and I wanted to thank you for helping me try to get over you. But it didn't work, nothing I did worked.

The moment I came home and got a friend request from you, on skype, my heart jumped for joy but I didn't know where this road was heading. I could've ignored it and blocked you but I didn't. When you started talking, it scared the hell out of me... A million things were going through my mind before I replied. What if I didn't reply? What if I told you to fuck off? What if I was a complete bitch to you and told you I moved on and hated you? I ignored those 'what ifs' and took my chance. You told me about that girl. The girl I'm now afraid to lose you to. The girl who I wanted to scream and yell at for having you. The girl who I told everything about you because I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. I must admit I was so happy to hear that you broke up with her but then you told me you regretted it and that's what made me hate her so much. I'm starting not to because yeah it is a lame excuse to hate someone. But you have to understand the only selfish act I've done my whole life- is taking you back because for once I wanted something to be mine, something that I didn't have to share with anyone else.

The first time I saw you after the break up, I couldn't breathe. I didn't make eye contact. I didn't go up to hug you. I didn't look your direction. I avoided you. We had one class together and sitting in that class was torture. I kept quiet around you and smiled like nothing happened. We didn't talk. The first time we talked in person- I pushed you away. The following days we talked more; in person and on facebook/skype. But I felt like I didn't really matter anymore so I treated you like everyone else... When the conversation got boring I stopped replying. When I didn't feel like replying, then I didn't. I got out of the habit of talking to you every hour so I didn't get worried if you didn't inbox me. I remember the afternoon you asked me out. I had just finished my homework so I came on my laptop as usual. You said "Bout time" and I said "Bahahaha homework". That's how it started. I was surprised actually. I didn't know you were waiting for me. You were too shy to say it out loud so you typed it. I didn't mind though. I hesitated for one second but you wouldn't have noticed. I was shocked and surprised and happy and worried. I didn't think of the "what ifs" until later that night. All I knew was that I was happy you were mine again.

Wanna know why I get shitty when you don't do something or do something but do it with other girls? I expected alot from you. I didn't know we had to start from the beginning. I thought we just had to go from where we left it. The first time I hugged you, since the break up, I wanted to freeze that moment for a while so I didn't have to embrace it for just a few seconds.

I missed you so much and I'm glad you're back in my life. I don't expect you to be the perfect boyfriend but please don't be the boyfriend that doesn't call their girlfriend, that never wants to see her on weekends, that never says I love you first, that flirts back with every girl that flirts with him, and, most importantly, please don't be the boyfriend that causes her tears and her pain. I have just gotten used to having you around again. I stopped minding how long we didn't talk for but now the longer you take to reply the more anxious I get. We haven't spent any time together since we started dating again and I want to ask you if you want to spend time with me. But I want you to say yes because you want to, not because you have to. I can't seem to find it fair that you can make time for other girls but not me. I know it's high school. Nothing lasts forever. But I just want to enjoy my fairytale before it ends... AGAIN.

What hurts the most is thinking about when it'll be over again. When you won't be mine anymore. I know we'll break up some day. I just hope it doesn't happen for a while because I really am happy with you. When I say I love you, I really mean it. You just have no idea how much I do. And that scares me because the more I love you, the more I know the pain will be worse in the end. You're the only person who has any affect on me. It's funny isn't it? How one person. One ordinary person, can become your whole world.

I love you baby so muchhhh.
Love always, Shalen xxx

When they suddenly decide they don't want you.

It’s fucked isn’t it? How someone can treat you and make you feel like you’re what the world needs, then all of a sudden it’s over in a heartbeat. A few seconds is all they need to tear your heart out of your chest and smash it to pieces.

Somewhere in the middle of all the bullshit, love gives you a fairy tale. Once upon a time someone starts to like you and you start to like them, so you give each other a chance. He takes you out on dates, he texts you every minute of every day, he’s the first person you talk to in the morning and the last person you talk to at night, he becomes the person that you run to when something bad happened, he gives you little surprises and reminds you you’re beautiful every day, he gives you kisses on the forehead, he hugs you from behind, he hugs you when you’re mad and doesn’t let go until you’re calm, he looks into your eyes when he says he loves you and you eventually believe it, he’s perfect. He became you’re other half and you wonder how on earth you lived your whole life without knowing him. Suddenly your heart doesn’t belong to you anymore. You love him, or you think you do.

Suddenly he stops texting and ignores you when you’re around. He decides that you’re not worth his time anymore. Then when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, he tells you he doesn’t want you anymore. It’s one thing to think it but it’s another thing to HEAR it. You feel as though your heart just got ripped out of your chest, thrown on the ground, stomped on and smashed into a million little pieces. Suddenly it was all worthless- your grades lowering, sacrificing your time with family and friends, spending money on him, and giving him the one thing you need to live; your heart. Your friends don’t understand because they haven’t been through it yet but they suffer with you. The pain becomes too much and you want it to stop but you don’t know how to make it stop so you cut. You stop eating and prefer to stay home more. Your parents begin to see the transformation and feel disappointed in themselves for not protecting you against the one thing that could hurt anyone, at your age.

You begin to ask yourself questions but never want the answers because, at the time, it would’ve broken you even more.  Heartbreak isn’t something anybody wants but if you let it rule your life then how are you supposed to love again? And if you can’t love again, then how are you supposed to find your soul mate? How you deal with heartbreak is up to you. It's always the worst after the break up. The pain is the only thing you feel, and you wake up everyday knowing he won't be there anymore. You wake up feeling the emptiest feeling and it makes you wonder how you're going to get through the day. Everything you do will remind you of him and the pain hits you like it did the first time, each and every time.

Heartbreak is that one thing that no-one, but yourself, can help you through. Heartbreak is the one thing no-one can protect you from. It'll scar you but it makes you stronger and smarter for next time. Don't ever think you couldn't love someone else the way you did that one person because you can, it's just a matter of finding the right person. Don't be in a rush to find the ''one'' because in the midst of it all you'll realise you're not in love with the person you're with, you're in love with the idea of love.

Heartbreak isn't easy. But sooner or later you have to realise that it's time to move on with your life because he was only one chapter and you'll have many more before the book ends.

Look for the girl with the broken smile.

For some people there are just times in your life that you have to put your friends' pains and needs before yours. But for me, I have to put EVERYONE's pains and needs before mine. I agree I have been through alot but I'm not one to go around asking for sympathy. I can't remember a time that I ever went to anyone, in pain, because my childhood haunts me; night and day. I remember the times all of my friends came to me, in tears, because something/someone had hurt them or they just needed someone to be there. Sometimes people, who I never met, come to me too but I don't mind. I honestly don't. It makes me feel important and it makes me feel good knowing I've helped someone somehow.

But it's times like these that I wish I could put my pain before everyone elses. Times when the pain just becomes too much and you want someone to be there but the one person you want to be there; ignores the problem and decides to be an idiot and puts you in more pain. What hurts the most is knowing you were there for him when he needed you and knowing you'd drop everything in a heartbeat just to comfort him because you hate seeing him in pain but when it comes to you, he becomes an idiot and doesn't care whether your in pain or not. A lesson I learned from that? Don't ever try to put your pain before anyone elses because they'll treat you like your pain doesn't matter.

I don't know how I expected to be treated after telling my closest friends about my childhood. I guess I just wanted someone I could run to when I'm in pain. But yeah, guess sometimes things just backfire. Sometimes I'll lay in bed and pretend my childhood was a nightmare and that I'm still dreaming, waiting to wake up and start living my life. Not much people in my life understand how painful it is to have flashes of it come back now and again, they don't understand the pain. So what do I do? I suffer my own pain and suffer everyone elses pain because honestly, could I possibly go through anymore than I already have? I'd rather be the person people run to for help, than be the person who runs to someone for help.

Life isn't easy. Things just happen and instead of asking questions, you just have to embrace it. Fight for the ones that love you, not for the ones who you love but don't love you back, because in the end it's the people who love you who'll stand by your side. Pain isn't easy to deal with, so be like me. Don't deal with it and when someone elses suffering, suffer your own pain and say you're suffering their pain. It's not the best advice, but it's better than having to explain to them why you're in pain.

Yeah nothing to worry about

So I just need to get this one thing off my chest. I don't care that it doesn't make sense but I need it out.

Dear Boyfriend,
Please just please stop mentioning her name. Who's name? Hannah. Shut the fuck up already. I hate her, like really hate her. Why? Because for a while she had you. For a while you were hers. And no that wasn't okay with me. I had no right to hate her though as we were broken up. But still, it hurt me like hell when I found out.  So I'm sorry I hate her. But she had you for a while. And it makes me sick to my stomach to think you could ever hold anyone else, the way you hold me. It makes me sick to ever think that you could send her all those x's and love hearts to another girl. It makes me sick to think that I was just another girl on your trash list. It makes me sick to think that I could ever lose you again.

The more I fall for you again, the more I feel I should block the feeling out. Because, it may not seem like it now, I know I'm only going to end up being heart broken in the end. I hated that pain. I really did. And knowing I'm going to feel it again, makes me sick. You have no idea how much I love you and you have no idea how much it makes me sick to think that you could love another girl the way you love me. Everytime we fight I always become afraid of losing you. Everytime I hear that some girl likes you I break a little inside but smile and hide it and make a laugh out of it, hoping even I'd laugh at my own joke just to hide the pain.

You have no idea how much I really love you. You're my first love and nobody ever gets over their first love, they just learn to love other people. I know nothing lasts forever, but I just want to stop dreaming and start living in reality because, since you came back in my life, reality is finally better than my dreams.

Problem after probelm.

Is it normal to completely forget your boyfriend when someone you LIKED for months suddenly pops up, even though you don’t talk to that person and you haven’t heard from him in a while?

Let me explain:

There was once a guy, let’s call him Luke, who I liked for months on end. I pretty much started liking him when he first smiled at me. Yes I have a thing for smiles. It was such a breathtaking smile that I couldn’t help but fall in love with it. For months I liked him and at one point, I thought I loved him. It was different around Luke. I found that when I talked to him I had a tendency to smile a lot. I wanted him to notice me so I did everything necessary to do that; I talked to him, I made sure he saw me at recess and lunch, I even drew attention to myself now and again when he was around. I always wondered what it would be like if we were together. He was on my mind night and day. Every time he smiled at me, my heart felt like it was ready to jump out of my chest. I got jealous at every girl that talked to him. I wanted to get over him because I knew I had no chance. So I started dating again.

My decision to date again was the best decision I ever made. It didn’t start off well because the first guy I dated, to get over Luke, was an absolute dickhead. Yeah, I hate him now. But then came this guy. This amazing guy and he changed my life. Let’s call him Zach. Zach’s been the one who I’ve been blogging about most of the time. The guy that made me fall hard then broke my heart and made me fall again. I absolutely love this guy.

But the thing is, last night Luke replied to my inbox and for a few minutes I completely forgot about Zach. For a few minutes I pretty much had trouble breathing because I saw his name. I was confused as hell. All the feelings I had for Luke suddenly came rushing back and I didn’t know what that meant. I guess when it comes to Luke; I’ll always feel the same way. I just know that I would never have a chance because:

a)    He moved to another town

b)    He could have better girls.

And because I’m crazy in love with Zach. The first time I would have dropped everything for Luke but now… I would never give up Zach. He was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No matter how much we fight, no matter how much I get angry and frustrated with him; I would never give him up. 

There's another thing too. Zach. Yeah I'm so darn confused with him. I don't think he knows that this is the absolute last straw. I'm not going to go through what I went through last time. He spends so much time with other girls, he doesn't even pay attention to when I'm around half the time. So yeah I'm not gonna bother going to his group if he's not even going to pay attention to me. If he ever ditches me, that's it. I'm not even going to fight. It's just over. I'm not gonna go through what one of my "friends", goes through with her boyfriend. Today her boyfriend basically told her that if she ever talks about this one girl, that she hates, then it's over. FUCKING RETARD. If Zach ever said that to me... Yeah haha let's not go there.

Let me explain:

There's this girl. Let's call her Emily. Emily's mum died a month and so ago. Yes it's sad and depressing. Emily pretty much causes the fights in most relationships. Why and How? Heck would I know. But she pretty much has all these boys wrapped around her little finger, that she doesn't realise how much conflict she causes between them and their girlfriend.

Are sleepovers acceptable when you're no longer a child? I DON'T THINK SO. There's a reason nobody has sleepovers anymore. Anything can and will happen in the heat of the moment. This girl doesn't realise just how much she's tearing relationships apart. Yes she just lost her mum and she needs her friends around. But doesn't she have girl friends? Or does she need guys' attention that badly? I was nice before but considering what my ''friends'' boyfriend told her. Yeah that's niceness is no longer there. The sooner she learns that she can no longer do the stuff she use to be able to do, as a kid, the happier everyone will be.

Valentine's Day 2012.

Happy Valentine's Day fellow bloggers!

Valentine's Day. What is it exactly? Well from my understanding it's a day where you get to spoil your special someone and show them just how much you love them, or for others just a day when you show someone how much you truly appreciate them for being a good friend.

Ray and I have taken up the challenge to blog everything that happened today. Her blog is the perspective of single people on Valentine's Day and my blog is meant to be the perspective of people in a relationship on Valentine's Day. Here is a link to her blog: http://lifeandopinionsoftcmr.blogspot.com.au/

I woke up with the really weird but good feeling. I knew today was going to be different somehow. Just different from every other day and different from every other Valentine's Day. I reached for my phone and one of my best friend had sent me a text message. To my amazement it was a really cute photo, which made me smile like crazy, and I knew today was going to be the best Valentine's Day, not only that but 2012 was finally turning around.

What Ray texted me ^^^^^

I had never had a Valentine in my life and this year I finally had one. Well I had three actually, but the other two are only a joke. One of my Valentine was Catherine (Kitty Cat) and days earlier we planned to get each other something because we had never gotten anything on Valentine's Day every other year. I got her a card and chocolates. I was extremely excited to give them to her, espicially the card. The card was cute and glittery, and when I saw it I knew she'd love it. I got to school and met up with her, she loved them (I think?), but what she got me was even better! She got me a teddy-bear that says "I love you", chocolates, jellie babies and a card. I was extremely happy when she gave them to me, as I didn't know what she had gotten me. I felt so disappointed with what I gave her but I hope she still appreciated it. One of my close guy friends got me a toy dog; it's really long (like a sausage dog) and it has a coat that says "With Love". The morning was great but there was one person I was really eager to see.

That one person is my boyfriend. The cute, amazing and douche that I blog mostly about. Yes he broke my heart, but he fixed it again didn't he? So did he make up for the amount of pain he caused me? I don't know. We've only been together a week, not even, but I'm happy with him. The month that we weren't together was when I blocked all the pain away, I guess my love for him went with it because I'm having trouble feeling anything for him right now. I know I want to be with him though, I just don't know how to love him again without unblocking the pain. That probably explains why I'm having so much trouble saying 'I love you' to him in person. Also, I don't want the pain. I know how much it hurts and I don't ever want to feel it again. I want us to last longer this time, which is why I pretty much ignore all the little things and avoid fights. I've gotten better at calming down too; my temper only lasts a few minutes and I make sure I don't talk to anyone during those few minutes.

Today retard (Tristan) decided to walk me home again. It was a good surprise :) I completely loved him for coming to see me, espicially today. What made my day was my fairytale moment with him. You know how you just have those moments in movies, that you know could never happen in real life? I call them ''Fairytale Moments''. Today as he gave me a hug, like he usually does before we seperate, he lifted me up and spun me around. It was one of those moments that I wish I could stop and just embrace it before it was over. What would've made it better was if it was with the boyfriend instead. But you take what you can get right?

So what's it like being in a relationship on Valentine's Day? It's great! You can look at that one person and think "Yeah he's mine and today it's about us". When you're with someone on Valentine's Day, you can look at other couples and not feel that empty feeling because you don't have someone. It's a day, even single people can feel the love in the air. You get hugs, kisses and presents. So what I didn't get a flower or presents from him? He was there. He gave me hugs. He gave me kisses. He didn't let go until he really had to. Writing this blog made me realise something, I wish I had earlier today; I really do love him.

I know there will be a time when he breaks my heart again but I don't want to worry about that until the time comes. I'll be in pain but at least I'll know what we had was real. People will tell me 'I told you so' but I'll tell them 'At least love gave me a fairytale, where's yours?'. The thing with love is you shouldn't just be able to feel loved, even more, on Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is just a day that goes back with many traditions but otherwise it's like every other day of the week. So if you really love someone, shouldn't everyday be like Valentine's Day?

You have someone out there that you love on this special day? Tell them and show them just how much you love them. Just because today is a special day, doesn't mean you can't say those three words every other day. Tell them that you love them EVERYDAY, because everyday should be like Valentine's Day.

The Real Me.

My whole life I've always told people to embrace their imperfections. I've told them to smile and not care what anybody thinks. I've told them to love themselves because, if they can't, who will? I've told them to ignore the haters and be confident, to show them that you don't care, so at some point they'll give up. So why, when it comes to me, can't I take my own advice? I wish I could, but I honestly can't.

I'll walk around and pretend I was never insecure about myself. But truth is, I'm the most insecure person out. I worry about what people think of me. I can't love myself because let's be honest, why would I? I absolutely hate myself. I'll spend an hour every day choosing the clothes to wear, then an extra half-an-hour on hair and make-up. Some days it takes me two hours. And to think I hate people who do this stuff.

When I'm around people; I look at what they wear and how they look, and get a really sick feeling in my stomach but I smile anyway and pretend that nothing's wrong. It's been years since anyone's ever judged me for my looks and today, I didn't know how to handle it. So I cried. I cried because what was said about me, had to be said to the one person I didn't want hearing anything about me.

I hate it when people say stuff about me to him. If they say it to me it's a whole other story, I can take it. But to him? I don't want him hearing shit like that because, well let's face it, I'm afraid to lose him again. I can't tell him how I'm afraid he'll be put off by what they say about me and break up with me because of it. I can't tell him how much I actually hate myself half the time. I can't tell him all these things because I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to tell him the stuff I tell my closest friends, because well I'm afraid he'll see the real me.

How different is the real me, to the ''me'' that posts these blogs and the "me" that I show people, you ask? The real me is weak. Really weak and insecure. The real me that nobody actually nows. The real me cries herself to sleep because either something bad happened that day or she just feels she's not good enough. The real me thinks about what it would be like if she slowly faded from everyone's life, until eventually nobody notices her anymore and it's a good time to just end everything. The real me feels the pain instead of blocking it. The real me wakes up wondering "why on earth am I still alive?" The real me that will whine all day because she hates the way she looks. The real me that gets affected by what people say, even if it was just a joke. The real me that really doesn't deserve to be loved. The real me that was already broken before anyone had a chance to break her. The real me is the complete opposite to the person that everyone thinks they know.

The person I show people is the person I hope will, eventually, be the real me. But for now... I hope there is a person in the world that I can show the real me. That'll be the person that I'll look to everyday for a smile of encouragement. A smile that will get me through the day.

I remember the first time.

Inboxing him tonight made me remember the first time. The first time we started dating when I would check my phone a million times just to see if he had replied and when he didn’t I felt a bit disappointed but knew he would reply anyway. I remember when I would sit on my bed, listen to music and reread our inboxes over and over again. I remember when I would lie in bed every night and replay the entire day with him, I would replay what he said and how he said it, I would replay every kiss, every hug, and every touch. Even after our fights I would constantly remind myself of how lucky I was to have him and how much it would hurt to ever lose him. After our fights I would tell myself I was an idiot and wanted to make it up to him in any way possible. I remember dedicating a whole page to him in my journal and smiling like an idiot when I finished. I remember when I was angry, upset or on the verge of tears I could always talk to him because even hearing his voice for five minutes reassured me. I remember that amazing feeling, I would get, every time he hugged, kissed and touched me.  I remember wanting him, to be mine forever.

I guess things are different now huh?  I don’t ever expect him to talk to me every night. I don’t wait for him inbox or Skype call me, with the exception of tonight and I won’t bother waiting again. He has is life to live and I have mine. I'm not gonna wait forever. I just hope that he knows what he wants before it's completely gone because once it's gone; it'll never be his again. I still get that same reassurance when I talk to him and I'm mad, upset or on the verge of tears. I still feel like his apart of me somehow. I want to let him in and be  a bigger part of my life than just my ex, but I don't know how. I don't know how to let him in and not expect so much of him. I don't know how to let him in without falling as hard as I did last time. Some days I just have that urgency to hug him but I can't because I'm afraid of how he'll react.

When I made that “You know I love you… right?” picture, he was the first person on my mind and when he reblogged it on tumblr, fuck he put the biggest smile on my face.

Honestly, right now, I don't know what to do. So I'm just gonna go with the flow and let everything work itself out.