You're alive but you're not really there...

Have you ever wanted to ask a question but didn't because you knew in your heart you wouldn't be able to handle the answer?

Yes, so many times. Today was the worst day I've ever had to go through. The first time he saw me today, he looked at me then walked away. I stood there, silently breaking. None of them knew. None of them knew how painful it was to see that. I wanted to chase after him but something held me on the spot.

I knew it was going to end some day. I just didn't know it would have to be so soon. There are just times in my life when I wonder why I fuck up so much. But then again nobody's perfect. Being ignored, being walked away on... It's the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you just died and nobody around you know the pain. You watch them laugh, you match them smile, and you feel bad for not being able to do the same.

My blog's been awfully depressing lately but it's only because these blogs are the only way I get the bad feelings out. It's the only way I stop from doing what I really want to do.

I don't know why I put myself in these situations. I knew I was gonna get hurt. I knew I was gonna suffer. But I didn't care. Because all I wanted was him. And I'm about to lose him. I made myself so vulnerable, after I just made myself strong again. I don't know what to do. He wants me to wait but why? Shouldn't you know how you already feel? I don't want to go and have a shower and come back to bad news.

I have that small hope in my heart that he'll stay but he'll leave. Just like everyone else. I knew I didn't deserve the best. I know better to not hope for it now.