What happens when you think deeply about everything, EVERYDAY.

In your lifetime, a lot of people will tell you they'll always be there for you... But the thing is, you won't always believe them. No matter how many people tell you they'll be there for you, you'll still have those times that you feel like nobody's ever there... That feeling of loneliness.
It has actually been a while since I've felt happy because the thing is, I've just been feeling empty inside. I'll laugh, I'll smile and look like I'm having the time of my life but I wouldn't feel anything. Inside, I'd still feel empty. I don't even know what I feel anymore.

No one really has the guts to ask how I'm feeling, but even if they did my answer would be "good". I'm not one for lying but I'd rather them think I was happy and living a good ife than having to ask what's wrong and me having to explain everything to them.

There are people I could go to and tell them I'm upset, but they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't know how to be there and what to say. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even know if I want to be alive anymore. I don't want to kill myself, I just don't know if I want to be alive anymore.

I'm surrounded by people every single day, yet I feel like I'm the only person there. I miss the days when I could laugh and smile and they weren't fake. I miss the feeling of happiness. I want to feel happy again but everytime I feel like I could be, something happens and it brings me back to where it all began.

They don't know what it's like to think deeply about everything, EVERYDAY. Sometimes I'd be in the moment, but suddenly I feel like I'm snatched out of my head and I know my body's there but my mind is elsewhere. It happens a lot.

Some nights, I'd think so deeply that I stay up really late and break down. My bed, at night, with music is the best place to break down. Nobody asks you if you're okay, you can suffer in the darkness, in the silence. Nobody's there to see you at your worst and feel sorry for you. You can pretend, that for just a moment, you were dead. You didn't breathe, you weren't remembered. You just died and nobody knew. Nobody felt any pain over losing you, nobody missed you. For a moment, you're in a place where you can be happy.