It's hard you know. Feeling the pain all day, everyday. Nobody really knows what it's like to be me but then again, nobody really knows what it's like to be somebody else. I'm that one friend that everyone goes to for help, for someone to yell at just to get everything out, for someone to listen, and for someone to tell them everything's gonna be okay. The thing is I can't really go to anyone for help. It's not that I don't trust them. It's that the only way for me to really open up is through blogs or typing. I can't and I don't know how to open up in person. I don't know how to sum up in words why that pains always been there. I can put it away for a while but at the end of the day it just comes back.
For the entire afternoon I stayed in my room. I wasn't listening to music, or watching movies on my laptop, or did my homework. I sat on the floor and cried because the pain just suddenly became too much. I'm not the type to cut or harm myself in anyway. I cry because it's the only way to get everything out. I thought about everything. I thought about my childhood, I thought about my family and friends, I thought about me and the person I am. My attitude changes depending on my mood; one minute I'll be happy and the next I'll be angry. With me, there's no telling what I'll be feeling next. I get hurt by the simplest of things and instead of saying it hurt me, I say I'm pissed off. There'll be nights I admit I'm hurt but those are the nights people decide to fuck around and not care. I've tried to be there for everyone but one person ends up being pissed at me because they feel like I'm giving other people more attention than them, when really I try my best to be there for everyone and that one person just make me feel like my best isn't enough.
There's a reason I try to open up to people, but in the end they just end up being confused about me. The reason is I'm afraid to let people in. Eventually you learn that not everyone stays in your life, some will leave without knowing they have and you end up being forgotten. To me, letting anyone in is giving them the chance to break you and put you in more pain than you really need. But if you think about it that pain is what you need in order to become stronger. There are people that I've already let in and I know how much it'll hurt to lose them, but that's life. As for those that have tried to open up and I've pushed them away, I'm sorry. I just can't let anyone else in because I know in the end you'll end up walking right out. I can't believe in trust, promises and love anymore. When you trust someone you end up being betrayed, promises end up being broken, and love comes with the good and the worst.
When you have someone, they seem like the world to you. You don't really think about what's gonna happen when they leave because you never believed it was possible. When you love someone you devote your entire life to them, you give them the other part of your heart. Nobody thinks about the 'what ifs' because life's about taking chances and you feel like you didn't have to worry about the 'what ifs'. Unfortunately I've always thought about the 'what ifs'. I've thought about when he leaves and what I'm going to do. From the break up, I've learned to love someone but not let them in. Yes, I love him but at the same time I don't. It's hard to explain and I can't explain it without you thinking I'm pretending to love him because I'm not. I really do love him but when comes love comes the pain. It's the pain I try to block out but get it mixed with love and when I say 'I love you' there are days I feel like I don't mean it.
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