A letter to him.

Baby,
When I lost you, apart of me was lost too because the thing is when you love someone entirely you feel like apart of you isn't yours anymore; it belongs to them. So when I lost you, I lost that part of me that belonged to you. Life was so different without you and I missed you so much. I remember the pain. I remember the countless times I'd look at the pictures of you that I never really had the guts to delete. I remember wearing that necklace for days without taking it off. I remember laying in bed at night and remembering every moment we had together and bursting into tears because I missed you. I remember hoping you'd talk to me and tell me it was all a joke. I remember not being able to watch Harry Potter Part 2 because you got it for me. I remember not being able to watch Green Lantern because you were my Green Lantern and I remember our saying "You're my earth and I'm your Green Lantern". I remember thinking it'll never be the same between us again. I remember how much it hurt when you told me you didn't love me anymore. I did everything to avoid you. I blocked you and deleted you but even I know you can't delete a person from your life. You helped alot, you didn't talk to me and blocked me too and I wanted to thank you for helping me try to get over you. But it didn't work, nothing I did worked.

The moment I came home and got a friend request from you, on skype, my heart jumped for joy but I didn't know where this road was heading. I could've ignored it and blocked you but I didn't. When you started talking, it scared the hell out of me... A million things were going through my mind before I replied. What if I didn't reply? What if I told you to fuck off? What if I was a complete bitch to you and told you I moved on and hated you? I ignored those 'what ifs' and took my chance. You told me about that girl. The girl I'm now afraid to lose you to. The girl who I wanted to scream and yell at for having you. The girl who I told everything about you because I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. I must admit I was so happy to hear that you broke up with her but then you told me you regretted it and that's what made me hate her so much. I'm starting not to because yeah it is a lame excuse to hate someone. But you have to understand the only selfish act I've done my whole life- is taking you back because for once I wanted something to be mine, something that I didn't have to share with anyone else.

The first time I saw you after the break up, I couldn't breathe. I didn't make eye contact. I didn't go up to hug you. I didn't look your direction. I avoided you. We had one class together and sitting in that class was torture. I kept quiet around you and smiled like nothing happened. We didn't talk. The first time we talked in person- I pushed you away. The following days we talked more; in person and on facebook/skype. But I felt like I didn't really matter anymore so I treated you like everyone else... When the conversation got boring I stopped replying. When I didn't feel like replying, then I didn't. I got out of the habit of talking to you every hour so I didn't get worried if you didn't inbox me. I remember the afternoon you asked me out. I had just finished my homework so I came on my laptop as usual. You said "Bout time" and I said "Bahahaha homework". That's how it started. I was surprised actually. I didn't know you were waiting for me. You were too shy to say it out loud so you typed it. I didn't mind though. I hesitated for one second but you wouldn't have noticed. I was shocked and surprised and happy and worried. I didn't think of the "what ifs" until later that night. All I knew was that I was happy you were mine again.

Wanna know why I get shitty when you don't do something or do something but do it with other girls? I expected alot from you. I didn't know we had to start from the beginning. I thought we just had to go from where we left it. The first time I hugged you, since the break up, I wanted to freeze that moment for a while so I didn't have to embrace it for just a few seconds.

I missed you so much and I'm glad you're back in my life. I don't expect you to be the perfect boyfriend but please don't be the boyfriend that doesn't call their girlfriend, that never wants to see her on weekends, that never says I love you first, that flirts back with every girl that flirts with him, and, most importantly, please don't be the boyfriend that causes her tears and her pain. I have just gotten used to having you around again. I stopped minding how long we didn't talk for but now the longer you take to reply the more anxious I get. We haven't spent any time together since we started dating again and I want to ask you if you want to spend time with me. But I want you to say yes because you want to, not because you have to. I can't seem to find it fair that you can make time for other girls but not me. I know it's high school. Nothing lasts forever. But I just want to enjoy my fairytale before it ends... AGAIN.

What hurts the most is thinking about when it'll be over again. When you won't be mine anymore. I know we'll break up some day. I just hope it doesn't happen for a while because I really am happy with you. When I say I love you, I really mean it. You just have no idea how much I do. And that scares me because the more I love you, the more I know the pain will be worse in the end. You're the only person who has any affect on me. It's funny isn't it? How one person. One ordinary person, can become your whole world.

I love you baby so muchhhh.
Love always, Shalen xxx