The ending is the saddest part of the story.

So I guess that's it between us. It finally hit me that you're no longer mine. I'm no longer yours. I'm trying to prepare myself. For when I see someone else in your arms, and you'll hold her the way you held me. But no matter how much preparation I do for myself I know it's going to hurt, more than it does now.

A few months ago, I never thought we'd end. I never thought our story would have an ending and, looking back, I wish I never thought that. Let me tell you something though; the last few months, as painful as some nights might have been, were the best of my life so far. I know I'm giving up the chance to be with you again but I want to be happy, and I can't do that with you. In all the chaos, I realised I had to stop the one thing that was causing all the pain... and I realised it was you. I hate to let you go, I hate knowing you're no longer mine, but sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.

I don't know how you feel about all this. But you never realised just how much you were playing with my emotions. You treated me like a puppet. You were pulling my strings. Everything was your decision and I suffered with every choice you made. I had to take control. I had to do what was best for me and letting you go, just might be what I need. It hurts and all I want to do is cry, but I'm afraid I'll never stop if I start. So I'm holding everything in, waiting for the perfect time to let it all out. It hurts, you have no idea how much. Every time I see you, I just want to run to you and let it all out because I know you'll hold me but I hold myself back because I'll never be able to let you go.

I just want you back. But I know that's impossible. I know it was never meant to be. As much as I love you, as much as I want to hold you again, it really is time to say goodbye to us. And I'll be that girl, the one that watches from a distance as you hold another girl, the way you once held me, you'll tell her everything you once told me, you'll smile at her the way you once smiled at me, you'll kiss her the way you once kissed me. And it'll break me inside but there won't be anything I can do.

What happens when you think deeply about everything, EVERYDAY.

In your lifetime, a lot of people will tell you they'll always be there for you... But the thing is, you won't always believe them. No matter how many people tell you they'll be there for you, you'll still have those times that you feel like nobody's ever there... That feeling of loneliness.
It has actually been a while since I've felt happy because the thing is, I've just been feeling empty inside. I'll laugh, I'll smile and look like I'm having the time of my life but I wouldn't feel anything. Inside, I'd still feel empty. I don't even know what I feel anymore.

No one really has the guts to ask how I'm feeling, but even if they did my answer would be "good". I'm not one for lying but I'd rather them think I was happy and living a good ife than having to ask what's wrong and me having to explain everything to them.

There are people I could go to and tell them I'm upset, but they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't know how to be there and what to say. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even know if I want to be alive anymore. I don't want to kill myself, I just don't know if I want to be alive anymore.

I'm surrounded by people every single day, yet I feel like I'm the only person there. I miss the days when I could laugh and smile and they weren't fake. I miss the feeling of happiness. I want to feel happy again but everytime I feel like I could be, something happens and it brings me back to where it all began.

They don't know what it's like to think deeply about everything, EVERYDAY. Sometimes I'd be in the moment, but suddenly I feel like I'm snatched out of my head and I know my body's there but my mind is elsewhere. It happens a lot.

Some nights, I'd think so deeply that I stay up really late and break down. My bed, at night, with music is the best place to break down. Nobody asks you if you're okay, you can suffer in the darkness, in the silence. Nobody's there to see you at your worst and feel sorry for you. You can pretend, that for just a moment, you were dead. You didn't breathe, you weren't remembered. You just died and nobody knew. Nobody felt any pain over losing you, nobody missed you. For a moment, you're in a place where you can be happy.

How do you tell the difference between being 'inlove' and being inlove with the idea of love?

It's the scariest question when you're in a relationship. Well not the scariest, but it's scary. You start to ask yourself if you really are inlove with the person or you're just inlove with the idea of love. Ask yourself, what did you really love about them? If your answer is mainly about their physical features then you're not inlove with the person. You're just attracted to them. Love isn't about what they look like on the outside, it's about what they feel on the inside.

Love is not an emotion that can be proven but it can be shown. Love cannot be specified as one thing because it is a million things. I use to believe in love at first sight, but now I go against it. I believe you can be attracted to someone when you first look at them, but you can't love them because if you were asked at that moment what you loved about them, you'd be descibing what they looked like.

Some people meet there future husband/wife, others fall for their best friend. For me; love is about caring about each other, making each other happy, becoming stronger from difficult situations, and never giving up on each other. Love is different to everyone but everyone wants it. What they don't realise, is with love comes pain. The person you love can be the one to hurt you the most.

Love in high school isn't forever, it's something that prepares you for the real deal. It's hard to believe that love will last forever when everyone around you proves to you that it doesn't last for more than a few years, or even a few months. I guess things will be different when we're older, love will truly mean something. I hope to find that one guy that can say 'I love you' to me, and actually mean it.

I don't know how you can tell the difference between being 'inlove' and being inlove with the idea of love, but I think I'm starting to. What does that mean? I don't know... yet.

You're alive but you're not really there...

Have you ever wanted to ask a question but didn't because you knew in your heart you wouldn't be able to handle the answer?

Yes, so many times. Today was the worst day I've ever had to go through. The first time he saw me today, he looked at me then walked away. I stood there, silently breaking. None of them knew. None of them knew how painful it was to see that. I wanted to chase after him but something held me on the spot.

I knew it was going to end some day. I just didn't know it would have to be so soon. There are just times in my life when I wonder why I fuck up so much. But then again nobody's perfect. Being ignored, being walked away on... It's the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you just died and nobody around you know the pain. You watch them laugh, you match them smile, and you feel bad for not being able to do the same.

My blog's been awfully depressing lately but it's only because these blogs are the only way I get the bad feelings out. It's the only way I stop from doing what I really want to do.

I don't know why I put myself in these situations. I knew I was gonna get hurt. I knew I was gonna suffer. But I didn't care. Because all I wanted was him. And I'm about to lose him. I made myself so vulnerable, after I just made myself strong again. I don't know what to do. He wants me to wait but why? Shouldn't you know how you already feel? I don't want to go and have a shower and come back to bad news.

I have that small hope in my heart that he'll stay but he'll leave. Just like everyone else. I knew I didn't deserve the best. I know better to not hope for it now.

You can't love without the pain.

It's hard you know. Feeling the pain all day, everyday. Nobody really knows what it's like to be me but then again, nobody really knows what it's like to be somebody else. I'm that one friend that everyone goes to for help, for someone to yell at just to get everything out, for someone to listen, and for someone to tell them everything's gonna be okay. The thing is I can't really go to anyone for help. It's not that I don't trust them. It's that the only way for me to really open up is through blogs or typing. I can't and I don't know how to open up in person. I don't know how to sum up in words why that pains always been there. I can put it away for a while but at the end of the day it just comes back.

For the entire afternoon I stayed in my room. I wasn't listening to music, or watching movies on my laptop, or did my homework. I sat on the floor and cried because the pain just suddenly became too much. I'm not the type to cut or harm myself in anyway. I cry because it's the only way to get everything out. I thought about everything. I thought about my childhood, I thought about my family and friends, I thought about me and the person I am. My attitude changes depending on my mood; one minute I'll be happy and the next I'll be angry. With me, there's no telling what I'll be feeling next. I get hurt by the simplest of things and instead of saying it hurt me, I say I'm pissed off.  There'll be nights I admit I'm hurt but those are the nights people decide to fuck around and not care. I've tried to be there for everyone but one person ends up being pissed at me because they feel like I'm giving other people more attention than them, when really I try my best to be there for everyone and that one person just make me feel like my best isn't enough.

There's a reason I try to open up to people, but in the end they just end up being confused about me. The reason is I'm afraid to let people in. Eventually you learn that not everyone stays in your life, some will leave without knowing they have and you end up being forgotten. To me, letting anyone in is giving them the chance to break you and put you in more pain than you really need. But if you think about it that pain is what you need in order to become stronger. There are people that I've already let in and I know how much it'll hurt to lose them, but that's life. As for those that have tried to open up and I've pushed them away, I'm sorry. I just can't let anyone else in because I know in the end you'll end up walking right out. I can't believe in trust, promises and love anymore. When you trust someone you end up being betrayed, promises end up being broken, and love comes with the good and the worst.

When you have someone, they seem like the world to you. You don't really think about what's gonna happen when they leave because you never believed it was possible. When you love someone you devote your entire life to them, you give them the other part of your heart. Nobody thinks about the 'what ifs' because life's about taking chances and you feel like you didn't have to worry about the 'what ifs'. Unfortunately I've always thought about the 'what ifs'. I've thought about when he leaves and what I'm going to do. From the break up, I've learned to love someone but not let them in. Yes, I love him but at the same time I don't. It's hard to explain and I can't explain it without you thinking I'm pretending to love him because I'm not. I really do love him but when comes love comes the pain. It's the pain I try to block out but get it mixed with love and when I say 'I love you' there are days I feel like I don't mean it.

A letter to him.

Baby,
When I lost you, apart of me was lost too because the thing is when you love someone entirely you feel like apart of you isn't yours anymore; it belongs to them. So when I lost you, I lost that part of me that belonged to you. Life was so different without you and I missed you so much. I remember the pain. I remember the countless times I'd look at the pictures of you that I never really had the guts to delete. I remember wearing that necklace for days without taking it off. I remember laying in bed at night and remembering every moment we had together and bursting into tears because I missed you. I remember hoping you'd talk to me and tell me it was all a joke. I remember not being able to watch Harry Potter Part 2 because you got it for me. I remember not being able to watch Green Lantern because you were my Green Lantern and I remember our saying "You're my earth and I'm your Green Lantern". I remember thinking it'll never be the same between us again. I remember how much it hurt when you told me you didn't love me anymore. I did everything to avoid you. I blocked you and deleted you but even I know you can't delete a person from your life. You helped alot, you didn't talk to me and blocked me too and I wanted to thank you for helping me try to get over you. But it didn't work, nothing I did worked.

The moment I came home and got a friend request from you, on skype, my heart jumped for joy but I didn't know where this road was heading. I could've ignored it and blocked you but I didn't. When you started talking, it scared the hell out of me... A million things were going through my mind before I replied. What if I didn't reply? What if I told you to fuck off? What if I was a complete bitch to you and told you I moved on and hated you? I ignored those 'what ifs' and took my chance. You told me about that girl. The girl I'm now afraid to lose you to. The girl who I wanted to scream and yell at for having you. The girl who I told everything about you because I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. I must admit I was so happy to hear that you broke up with her but then you told me you regretted it and that's what made me hate her so much. I'm starting not to because yeah it is a lame excuse to hate someone. But you have to understand the only selfish act I've done my whole life- is taking you back because for once I wanted something to be mine, something that I didn't have to share with anyone else.

The first time I saw you after the break up, I couldn't breathe. I didn't make eye contact. I didn't go up to hug you. I didn't look your direction. I avoided you. We had one class together and sitting in that class was torture. I kept quiet around you and smiled like nothing happened. We didn't talk. The first time we talked in person- I pushed you away. The following days we talked more; in person and on facebook/skype. But I felt like I didn't really matter anymore so I treated you like everyone else... When the conversation got boring I stopped replying. When I didn't feel like replying, then I didn't. I got out of the habit of talking to you every hour so I didn't get worried if you didn't inbox me. I remember the afternoon you asked me out. I had just finished my homework so I came on my laptop as usual. You said "Bout time" and I said "Bahahaha homework". That's how it started. I was surprised actually. I didn't know you were waiting for me. You were too shy to say it out loud so you typed it. I didn't mind though. I hesitated for one second but you wouldn't have noticed. I was shocked and surprised and happy and worried. I didn't think of the "what ifs" until later that night. All I knew was that I was happy you were mine again.

Wanna know why I get shitty when you don't do something or do something but do it with other girls? I expected alot from you. I didn't know we had to start from the beginning. I thought we just had to go from where we left it. The first time I hugged you, since the break up, I wanted to freeze that moment for a while so I didn't have to embrace it for just a few seconds.

I missed you so much and I'm glad you're back in my life. I don't expect you to be the perfect boyfriend but please don't be the boyfriend that doesn't call their girlfriend, that never wants to see her on weekends, that never says I love you first, that flirts back with every girl that flirts with him, and, most importantly, please don't be the boyfriend that causes her tears and her pain. I have just gotten used to having you around again. I stopped minding how long we didn't talk for but now the longer you take to reply the more anxious I get. We haven't spent any time together since we started dating again and I want to ask you if you want to spend time with me. But I want you to say yes because you want to, not because you have to. I can't seem to find it fair that you can make time for other girls but not me. I know it's high school. Nothing lasts forever. But I just want to enjoy my fairytale before it ends... AGAIN.

What hurts the most is thinking about when it'll be over again. When you won't be mine anymore. I know we'll break up some day. I just hope it doesn't happen for a while because I really am happy with you. When I say I love you, I really mean it. You just have no idea how much I do. And that scares me because the more I love you, the more I know the pain will be worse in the end. You're the only person who has any affect on me. It's funny isn't it? How one person. One ordinary person, can become your whole world.

I love you baby so muchhhh.
Love always, Shalen xxx

When they suddenly decide they don't want you.

It’s fucked isn’t it? How someone can treat you and make you feel like you’re what the world needs, then all of a sudden it’s over in a heartbeat. A few seconds is all they need to tear your heart out of your chest and smash it to pieces.

Somewhere in the middle of all the bullshit, love gives you a fairy tale. Once upon a time someone starts to like you and you start to like them, so you give each other a chance. He takes you out on dates, he texts you every minute of every day, he’s the first person you talk to in the morning and the last person you talk to at night, he becomes the person that you run to when something bad happened, he gives you little surprises and reminds you you’re beautiful every day, he gives you kisses on the forehead, he hugs you from behind, he hugs you when you’re mad and doesn’t let go until you’re calm, he looks into your eyes when he says he loves you and you eventually believe it, he’s perfect. He became you’re other half and you wonder how on earth you lived your whole life without knowing him. Suddenly your heart doesn’t belong to you anymore. You love him, or you think you do.

Suddenly he stops texting and ignores you when you’re around. He decides that you’re not worth his time anymore. Then when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, he tells you he doesn’t want you anymore. It’s one thing to think it but it’s another thing to HEAR it. You feel as though your heart just got ripped out of your chest, thrown on the ground, stomped on and smashed into a million little pieces. Suddenly it was all worthless- your grades lowering, sacrificing your time with family and friends, spending money on him, and giving him the one thing you need to live; your heart. Your friends don’t understand because they haven’t been through it yet but they suffer with you. The pain becomes too much and you want it to stop but you don’t know how to make it stop so you cut. You stop eating and prefer to stay home more. Your parents begin to see the transformation and feel disappointed in themselves for not protecting you against the one thing that could hurt anyone, at your age.

You begin to ask yourself questions but never want the answers because, at the time, it would’ve broken you even more.  Heartbreak isn’t something anybody wants but if you let it rule your life then how are you supposed to love again? And if you can’t love again, then how are you supposed to find your soul mate? How you deal with heartbreak is up to you. It's always the worst after the break up. The pain is the only thing you feel, and you wake up everyday knowing he won't be there anymore. You wake up feeling the emptiest feeling and it makes you wonder how you're going to get through the day. Everything you do will remind you of him and the pain hits you like it did the first time, each and every time.

Heartbreak is that one thing that no-one, but yourself, can help you through. Heartbreak is the one thing no-one can protect you from. It'll scar you but it makes you stronger and smarter for next time. Don't ever think you couldn't love someone else the way you did that one person because you can, it's just a matter of finding the right person. Don't be in a rush to find the ''one'' because in the midst of it all you'll realise you're not in love with the person you're with, you're in love with the idea of love.

Heartbreak isn't easy. But sooner or later you have to realise that it's time to move on with your life because he was only one chapter and you'll have many more before the book ends.