I still remember every kiss we ever had. I remember when he use to pull me in for them, when he turned my head just so he can kiss me, when I had to go on my tippy toes just so I can kiss him. I remember the first time too. The first time his lips touched mine. I had the weirdest sensation go through my whole body. My lips were still tingling hours after he had left. There's not a day that goes by that I don't ever think about the first time. Sure I've had my first kiss before that. But that was the highlight of them all. None of them meant more to me than his did.
Now that his not mine, I crave for his lips to be on mine. Yes, it's weird and I probably sound like a lunatic. But, now, every time I see a couple kiss, every time I see a picture of couples kissing, every time I see him, all I can think about is what it feels like to have his lips on mine. I miss him terribly and the small stuff he did that he never noticed. I hate being able to hug him but him not hugging me back. I miss those times when he would just wrap his arms around me, when he kissed me out of the blue, when he told me he loved me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish for it all to come back.
It's funny how one person. One normal person, can make the biggest impact on your life. I remember the days when I didn't miss anyone. When I felt alone but happy. When I didn't use to cry so much over one guy. When I didn't think about every little thing. When I didn't have to wake up thinking I had to impress anyone. When I had no one on my mind.
Ever since he left, it's like my heart and my brain work together trying to torture me for absolutely no good reason. My brain knows what's best, my brain thinks I should leave him and so I try to find reasons to. But my heart wants him, and forces me to hold back. It's a constant battle every day. Sleeping is the only time I get any peace. That time, after I lay in bed and before I go to sleep, is the worst time during the day. I think about what's happened the past few months, I think about the amount of time I've screwed up, I think about the 'what ifs', and within a few minutes I'm already in tears. I unblock the pain and cry it out, until I fall asleep. I'd rather people see me strong than see me at my weakest. Nobody's ever there to tell me what to do, to tell me that everything's gonna be okay (because it won't), to ask me what's wrong, to tell me to stop crying. Sometimes people don't understand that I just have to cry it out because I've been holding it in for so long, that I just need it all out.
It's scary how one person can do all this, can cause so much damage to you. Now, if someone asked me about what I was afraid of the most, I'd say his name. I'm afraid of what he'll say next, of what he'll do next, of how much more damage he could do to me, of how happy he makes me feel when I'm with him, of how angry I get because of him, of how much I love him. I'm afraid of him pushing me away. I'm afraid of the time he'll stop loving me. I'm afraid of him because everything he does affects me, and the scary thing is... he doesn't know that, so he does whatever he wants and doesn't realise just how much it affects me.
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