The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to keep the tears from falling.

And it's those times when no one's talking to you, when you're listening to Taylor Swift, when you're waiting for someone to make you feel something other than the numbness that's eating you up inside, that's when the pain of loneliness bursts inside you. You wake up everyday hoping the pain will go away, but it doesn't, it just gets pushed aside until your alone again and you start to feel it.

You can be surrounded by so many people, but feel more alone than ever. Your body's there, but you're not there. Your somewhere else. Those people that say "I'll always be here if you need", they're never there. You push people away when really you just want to reach out and ask them for help.

It gets harder everyday and you start wishing the things you never thought would even come in your mind. You start wishing you were actually dead. You start to want the pain to go away. You start realising the monster inside you was finally showing itself. It gets harder to sleep through the night, it gets harder to fake a smile when all you wanna do is cry.

After pushing people away, you start to reach out, and when you do, no gives a flying fuck about how you are. They all think you're okay, they think you're happy. They have no idea how much you just want to grab a fucking knife and stab yourself. They have no idea the amount of times you cry yourself to sleep. 
So I'm back to stage one. Back to where it all started.
IDK, if he'll see this. But seriously Cheyenne, fuck you. I opened up to you and tried to reach out. But all you could fucking think about is yourself and how horribly I treat you. You make me fucking regret being in this relationship. I tell you about how I'm having a hard time and all you can say is "Aw, really baby?". Yes you make me happy, but part of being my boyfriend is to be there. Out of everyone, you feel the most distant. Trust me when I say, I won't mention anything anymore because all you love to hear is about how much I fucking love you and how you're amazing and that shit. The first person I open up to and all you can think about is yourself you fucking selfish bastard. <<< Everything I said there is purely out of the anger I have for you at the moment. Feel free to break up with me if I treat you anymore horribly than I already do sweetheart. It's sad isn't it? That I'm writing this on a fucking blog instead of telling someone about this. HA.