I remember the first time.

Inboxing him tonight made me remember the first time. The first time we started dating when I would check my phone a million times just to see if he had replied and when he didn’t I felt a bit disappointed but knew he would reply anyway. I remember when I would sit on my bed, listen to music and reread our inboxes over and over again. I remember when I would lie in bed every night and replay the entire day with him, I would replay what he said and how he said it, I would replay every kiss, every hug, and every touch. Even after our fights I would constantly remind myself of how lucky I was to have him and how much it would hurt to ever lose him. After our fights I would tell myself I was an idiot and wanted to make it up to him in any way possible. I remember dedicating a whole page to him in my journal and smiling like an idiot when I finished. I remember when I was angry, upset or on the verge of tears I could always talk to him because even hearing his voice for five minutes reassured me. I remember that amazing feeling, I would get, every time he hugged, kissed and touched me.  I remember wanting him, to be mine forever.

I guess things are different now huh?  I don’t ever expect him to talk to me every night. I don’t wait for him inbox or Skype call me, with the exception of tonight and I won’t bother waiting again. He has is life to live and I have mine. I'm not gonna wait forever. I just hope that he knows what he wants before it's completely gone because once it's gone; it'll never be his again. I still get that same reassurance when I talk to him and I'm mad, upset or on the verge of tears. I still feel like his apart of me somehow. I want to let him in and be  a bigger part of my life than just my ex, but I don't know how. I don't know how to let him in and not expect so much of him. I don't know how to let him in without falling as hard as I did last time. Some days I just have that urgency to hug him but I can't because I'm afraid of how he'll react.

When I made that “You know I love you… right?” picture, he was the first person on my mind and when he reblogged it on tumblr, fuck he put the biggest smile on my face.

Honestly, right now, I don't know what to do. So I'm just gonna go with the flow and let everything work itself out.