When you think life's finally getting better and then something shit happens.

You've been absolutely clueless about how I've been feeling now a days and I know you don't care. Did you know that I break a little inside everytime I see you? Did you know I have that urge to hug you but I know I can't so I walk away? Did you know that for every fake smile, are the amount of times I wish I could break down?

When people ask me if I'm over you I just tell them yeah I am, but the truth is I'm not. Everytime our eyes meet my heart drops, I start to feel that pain again, so I turn away. I can't focus in most classes because I think about what it would've been like if we were still together and I wonder if you ever feel the same way. When we talked for the first time today I wanted to hug you but I know it would be completely out of line, so I held myself back. At the end of recess we talked a bit more and you started to come near me, I couldn't take it, so I walked away.

I miss you and I miss us, but if you ever asked for a second chance I wouldn't give it to you. I was in more pain being in that relationship than I was being single. I'm not saying I'll be single my whole life but I'm not ready for a relationship yet and even when I am, I'm going to be more cautious with the guys I go out with.
I don't feel the pain as much anymore but even the slightest reminder of us and I break inside, but who wants to see a girl in tears? No-one. So what do I do? I smile. I smile like nothing happened.

This year was suppose to be fun, exciting and a year to remember. It hasn't even been two months into the year yet and already everything's so shit. I lost one of my closest guy friends today and I don't know how. He was the person I told everything to and finding out that I'd lost him; broke me a little more inside, not that I wasn't broken enough. I'll cry a few tears and I know friendships come and go, but I'm not good at letting go of most people. I'd never lost a friend like the way I did him and the worst part is; he promised he would never walk out of my life. I knew better than to believe in promises, and considering I've already had heaps of the promises made to me be broken. I couldn't help but hope that he would change that. I hoped he would prove to me that not all guys are the same. Again every bit of hope I had left was completely crushed. Two of my best friend's are currently in an arguement and I know they'll make up eventually but did it have to happen tonight? Of course it did. It's life.

I don't know who to call when I'm in pain. I don't know what guy friend would be there as much as he was. He made me smile, laugh and cry. I told him my biggest secret and trusted him with my life. I guess friends will hurt you more than enemies. He was my shoulder to cry on and he was someone in my life I thought I'd always fight for. I guess that's just life. When everything starts to be good again, something bad happens and the only thing you can do is deal with it. I don't know if you'll ever read this but, Tristan, you have no idea how heartbroken I am to lose you. You have no idea how much it hurts to know that you could brush me off like that. You have no idea that tonight while you sleep with a grin on your face, I'm going to be crying myself to sleep because you've proven to me that it's just not worth it anymore. No matter how many times I say life's worth it, no matter how many times I look on the positive side of things, I know that there will always be some shit waiting around the corner waiting to happen.

Life's a bitch and don't we all know it.