Break ups aren't pretty.

I just went through a break up recently. It wasn't pretty either. That guy, that I broke up with, I still love him. I don't know why I broke up with him. People ask me, why I broke up with him and I answer with some stupid answer that I didn't even know had any part of it, truth is, I don't know. I don't know why I gave him up. I don't know why I said what I said.

The first two days were the hardest. I guess after everything we went through, it just seemed a waste; putting up with the bullshit that people gave me, fighting to win him over, lying to my sister about stuff. Everything I did just seemed a waste and I felt pretty pathetic. I was at that stage where I just wanted the pain to go away, so I wanted to forget everything about him, about everything that happened, but the universe wouldn't let me. Everywhere I turned there was a reminder of him and when I talked to him, everything just came flooding back. All I did was cry, because it was just that painful. I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. I use to wake up everyday wanting to cry but now I know, it's useless and pathetic. We tried to talk things out but he couldn't take me back. The morning after that talk I got up and told myself ''crying is worthless, you're only going to bring the pain back'', and that was the day I began to hold myself up, I just continued on with my life. I had my time of crying and complaining. Now it's time to move on.

I don't feel the pain the way I did when we first broke up. A little bit of it comes back now and again. 

I hate being asked if I'm okay, time after time. Sure at first I was fine with being asked if I was okay. But now, now if someone asks me if I'm okay, I always feel like saying 'F*CK OFF' because being asked if I'm okay, brings back that little bit of pain that I worked so hard on blocking away. The other thing is, I lie to them. I tell them I am. When honestly, I'm not. No I'm not okay. I can't smile or laugh without them being forced. I'll pretend to be happy and have a good time, but at the end of the day the pain will catch up to me and I'll lie in bed thinking about everything. I'd think about what it would've been like if he was there, how much happier I'd be if I came home and he sat there and listened while I told him about my full on, crazy day.

I don't know if he cares or loves me anymore, but I know I do. I still care. It's hard not having anyone to tell about my crazy days, to tell about the funny shit my sister or best friends do. It's just hard not being able to have someone like that anymore. I got so use to going to sleep knowing he'll be there when I wake up, and waking up knowing he'll be there by my side all day, even if he's not there physically. I miss him. After the break up, at least he was still my friend and he'd still talk to me. I know I've completely lost him now.

I just hope that I'll find someone, who will make me as happy as he did.